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"Gentlemen, I don't know what nomenclature and methodology you use in your European schools, but over here 'defense against the dark arts', as you put it, is a heavy automatic weapon, claymore mines, and a multispectral scanner warning array."

Arnie100: "And my trusty Proton Pack!! Just; uhm, don't cross the streams. But I sooooo wanna see what happens!"
taalismn: "Put that thing away! I still have scars..."
Arnie100: "Spoilsport...(Fist bumps SRoss)"

SRoss winces in pain from the bro-fist; even through the heavy bandaging and the numbing effects of the burn cream...
An out of control proton stream is not very discriminating...

Arnie100: "Now, class, ghost traps are rather delicate pieces of equipment. They can trap either the undead or...(holding up smoking ghost trap...)
Corg: (Inside ghost trap...) "Let me out of here!!"
Annie: "I'll take that, thank you! (Grabbing the ghost trap and walking away with a wicked smile...)
Arnie100: "Anyways..."

(...Outside in the hall...as Annie passes Nova and Dana with a still-smoking ghost trap...)

Nova: "Someone let THEM teach a class?!"
Dana: "I know; right? Will the class even survive the course?!"

"Sir, what if we suspect our instructors in 'Defense Against the Dark Arts' are in it just to be evil?"

"Well; unfortunately, they have tenure..."
"Oh, Dear God..."

"Next in our Ethics course, we will address the issue of when it is acceptable to kill your colleagues when you suspect them of going over to the dark side, leading up the scale to 'when it is permissible to destroy your homeworld with Neutron-S Missiles'?"

Arnie100: "I use that Necronomicon as a study guide for the class! I have other useful texts like Tobin's Spirit Guide, Egyptian Book of the Dead, the books on Cthulhu are my personal favorites..."

Chronicler: "Well, at least my history class wont kill the kids. Just a nice boring.......

1 hour later

Chronicler: "My God, I bored them to death."

"No, they're comatose. On the plus side, you seem to have discovered an inexpensive means of inducing suspended animation bio-stasis."

Still need to work on your punctuation.



True. And she's keeping most of her abilities close to here chest. If she didn't, most of the school would most likely be scared of her.

I think I should be worried.

"Now, before we begin P.E. class, how many of you can tell me how to kill a person with only their thumbs?"

Sarah raises her hand " is that a trick question?" because I know 14+ ways to kill a person with 1 finger but I suppose they would work with a thumb as well

"Miss Sarah, tether balls are not supposed to be hit at a good fraction of light speed."
"I'm more impressed, coach, by the fact that the tether actually HELD and RETURNED it back at me."
"Excuse me, am I not the only one astonished by the fact that the shockwave of that thing ripping out and slamming back in atmosphere should have, but not, kill us all and level most of the Midwest and Eastern Seaboard?"
"We call this the High Energy Physical Education Building for a reason."
"...oh..."

Nova: "So, Dana, what do you the Defense against the Dark Arts class is like?"
Dana: "I dunno...should we look?"

(Dana opens the door to the classroom and sticks her head in...)

Nova: "Well?"
Dana: "Looks perfectly normal to me... (Closes the door)
Nova: "Uhm; Dana, your hair turned into tentacles!!"
Dana: (Speaking in a strange sounding voice...) "I thought they were always like that!"
Nova:

(Chronicler walks past, then stops)

Chronicler: *sigh* I told them not to mess with those books. Come see me after lunch so I can revers it.

(Dana soon has tentacle arms)

Chronicler: ....... or sooner.

"And don't let her near the school swimming pool either!"

Meanwhile in the staff lounge.....

Chronicler: You took my personal things.

Defense against the Darkarts Teacher: We needed them for today's lesson.

Chronicler: What daft person would lend kids eldrich tomes!?!

DatDT: And what daft person would have such a collection, with multiple copy's!?!

Chronicler: ...... I like to collect books.

DatDT: Books bound in skin?

Chronicler: ......... You don't know if it's human.

DatDT: Do you?

Chronicler: Actually no I don't.

DatDT: ........ Where do you even get this stuff?

Chronicler: Uh (flashbacks to eons of collecting books, tablets, computers, anything that has information including etched skulls throughout the known realitys)

DatDT: ........ You know what? Never mind. I'm going back to class, have fun boring kids to death.

Chronicler: They're in comas. Get it right!

Note: Chronicler is both an online persona, pen name, and character in my writings. It just turn out that way and since this is a gag thread might as well play around with it.

that is what the GMP is for..

"Jeanette!"
Marie made a grab at the short blond who'd just skated by her and Dana on the school ice rink, and had just as much success as she'd had the previous dozen times. The short girl in the skating costume made a mockery of the two older girls in casuals, agily and tauntingly zipping by them, making them look like cows on sledges, for all their ice-skating prowess.
"Come back here and give that back, you kleptomaniac! That isn't yours!"
The called-out kleptomaniac stuck her tongue out as she clutched Dana Sterling's techno-hairpiece to her, before calling out in a singsong voice two sizes two young for her.
"Jeanette is Azusa's! You can't have her!"
Marie was about to make another lunge after the sugar plum maniac when she ran into Dana's outstretched arm.
"Don't bother."
"But she just ripped off your-!" Marie would have thought Dana would be all over the little thief; instead she had a look of calm..or was it resignation?"
"-I've heard of her. She's Azusa, member of a skating dou called the 'Golden Pair'. There're here for interschool competition. They'd insanely good, unbeaten on the ice in fact. Nobody's been able to lay a finger on them on the ice."
"Though seemingly ignoring the two women in favor of fawning over her new larsonously acquired possession, Azusa preened and poised.
"So? That doesn't give her permission to steal! Unless you're giving up?" Marie dangled that last line in front of her friend.
Dana didn't rise to the bait. "I got it covered."
"Huh?"
"I was warned about Azusa and her partner. I knew they'd be hanging around the ice rink and I figured there'd be trouble, so I came prepared."
"Now Marie was royally confused. "What do you mean, prepared? She just ripped you off!"
Dana cupped her hands, "Hey, Azusa, that's not 'Jeanette'!"
Azusa perked up and looked back. "Huh? Jeanette is Jeanette, Jeanette has no other name but what little Azusa give her!"
"Maybe so, but her real name is THERMITE!"
&&&FWASHO OOM&&&
Marie and Dana turned their heads to avoid being blinded by the glare as half the Golden Pair immolated in incendiary incandescence.
When the light show had ended, and the rink's ventilators had cleared out the smoke, Marie and Dana looked back at the bubbling, steaming hole in the ice. When the water stopped steaming, and rimmed over with ice, a Zamboni came out and slowly drove over the hole, paving it over in fresh surface.
"I left the real one at home."
"That's evil."
"No, evil's what I have in mind for her partner. He's a kissing bandit."

Sarah: "Where I come from I AM the defense agains the "Dark Arts"." giving a rather wolfish grin that sends chills down the spines of everyone present. (made Horror Factor rolls by ONE point, otherwise they'd be peeing their britches).

actually thermite and ice? not a good combo.

Nicely done on the character.



If they themselves haven't already been turned.











That was cool. Though I guess, if the thermite is far enough away from the ice, that might not happen.

Random thought: Dana as a hovercycle ridin' "Yankee" bad girl, boys pants, long jacket w/ the kanji for "Bad" on it and her chest all taped up, smokin' protoculture cigs and tryin' to be the Holy Terror of MCHS #69. Kinda like this: http://sociorocketnewsen.files.wordpres ... =580&h=469, or this: http://img-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com/5e1 ... g2edit.jpg

"No!"
"Yes."
"Stop!"
"Love cannot stop, and Mikado Sanzenin is love."
The Emperor of the Ice, the male half of the Golden Pair, swooped down to claim the lips of the half-alien blond girl in his arms. His lips were pursed to make his latest conquest, on final approach to-
#chine#
"-guess what, my braces come off today!"
"...-goy-...."
Dana extracted herself from the suddenly strengthless arms of her assailant, whose attention was fully on the stainless steel, spring, and barbed-wire contraption clamped to his lips.
"Yeah, Mom and Dad insisted I have something done about the old overbite, so I had some serious powered hardware put in...springs put some real resistance on my jaw movements...I opened my mouth wrong, I swear those things would snap back with enough force to cut through leather!"
"....nrg..."
" I didn't dare whistle unless I wanted to start shooting teeth!"
"...nugl...."
"All that tension felt like it could rip my lips off!"
"....ort..."
"But it all paid off, because look at me smile!"
"...ekk.."
"Why aren't you smiling too?"
"...olt..."

Arnie100: "Alright; class, on today's lesson: how to defend yourself against a demonic attack!"
Class:
Arnie100: "Rand has volunteered to be our vic -- uhm, subject for the day!"
Class:
Rand: "Me?! Why ME?!"
Class:

SRoss: (On the phone) "Yeah Arnie100, there's been an accident here in the science class. Yeah, Sarah let the Argillian Hyperfleas out."

Sarah: (Scratching like mad) "HOW BAD WILL THIS GET!?!"

SRoss: (Cupping the phone) "Before he encountered these, Dolza had a full head of hair and a beard."

Sarah:

SRoss: (Back on the phone) "Yeah, yeah, I'm going to need you to bring the thermite powder and the proton pack."

Sarah:

Arnie100: "Rand, take these to the science class, please! (Hands Rand thermite powder and proton pack) Thank you!"
Rand: "This shouldn't be too bad..."

(Later....)

Rand: "AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" (Running down the hall, scratching like mad...)
SRoss: (On the phone...) "Thanks, Arnie100!!"
Sarah: "I owe you an apple!!

Marie Crystal: "O just realized something! THIS IS A HIGH SCHOOL COMEDY! But which is it?! We're obviously in North America, which means that American themes for this sort of thing should be strongest, which means we'll have obligatory Nerd Girl, Jock, Girl Gang cliques, a Popular Girl, a life-threatening or life-changing crisis, gang of nerds, a Golden Boy, and probably a young-looking undercover cop!
But, we obviously have Japanese overtones! Which means martial arts fights, at least one Magic Girl, talking animal mascots, insane love triangles featuring psychics, demons, aliens, and...oh god, we're doomed!"
Dana: "...looks like somebody made their Genre Savvy roll..."
Nova: "Don't erode the Fourth Wall any more than you absolutely have to."
Dana: "Sez the 'young-looking undercover cop'."
Nova: "Say what?"

(In the Defense against the Dark Arts class...)

Arnie100: "No, Sarah...you can't use Rand as an example of how to rescue someone from a sacrifice...that is for tomorrow's lecture..."
Class: "Aaaaaawwwwwww..."
Arnie100: "...You can; however, use Rand to demonstrate for us how one gets into such a predicament in the first place!"
Sarah: "Yes! (High-fives her fellow classmates)"
Rand:

Poor Rand.

Rand: "Apparently getting up in the morning and coming to school is enough. THis is why I HATE public education."

Sarah Ponders for a few moments so I am supposes to demonstrate how someone is getting captured to be used as a sacrifice?

Mutters I know there was something in one of the "field manuals" .... Oh yes why mages and deamons are BAD!! That will work. Sarah requests that everyone be well clear of the door, then she steps out into the hall, and deliberately gets her hackles up, and works up a good mouth full of drool. then kicks in the door, and charges through the door, running over and grabbing Rand by the calf, she jerks him off his feet and slaps him down on a table, trying to project "crazy and Scary"

After School when she gets home she gets a duffle and digs out her Armor, which she proceeds to clean, polish, and otherwise check out and makes sure its all in pristine shape, then packs it in the duffle, to wear for the "rescue" (not realizing that the students are likely going to find her in full kit even MORE scary, than the furry "monster" after all the Coalition has the whole "death" motif going. )

After thinking for a few moments Sarah decided to "touch up" all her awards and Badges
She got some of the proper colors of good paint and went over the badges touching them up:
PSI, Airborne (a pair of wings, joined by a miniature CS skull) one field experience badge, Marksmanship badge (Crossed C-12 rifles) She also cleaned all her "harness" aka LBE, Clips, grenades guns, etc.

Poor brats don't know what they're in for!

I WAS going to suggest that MCHS#69 have a cross-town rival, something like "Our Lady of the Apocalypse Seminary School(and Reformatory)" but it looks like the head mistress is already enrolled at MCHS#69.

This isn't going to turn out good.



True.

And folks wonder why I come to class in a battlroid. And yes, I go to class in it too. The bribes to have it declared a service war machine were worth it. But MREs get old for lunch fast. And yes, I'm putting a tux on the thing too for prom.

I get the impression of this guy being the resident Shinichi Mechazawa(from Cromartie High School). His class rivals vary from the pranksters trying to fill his cockpit with mashed potatoes, to his extreme rival studying up on anti-mecha tactics and setting anti-armor mines in the guy's locker.

Be patient, I have something in the works in that respect.

Bah! Patience is overrated! Empty calorie satisfaction now!

* Hands you a bag of F.O.L. Crispies *

Hopefully this is too over the top.

* On the other side of Monument City*

* Sister Of Repentant Woes All Girls Academy *

Integra Hellmond: “ Ok Girls, it's time to go over to Monument City High School # 69 and show those little b**hes that WE ARE going to win the inter city secondary schools's girl's Smash Ball tournament! “ as she looks at her fellow school mates who make Titan Juicers look like newborn field mouses.

Misty Ash: “ Heh!, those little prissy princesses have no hope of beating us, so what do you have in mind to show these soft sisters who's the top dogs around here? “ as she eyes her lover's chiseled form with growing excitement.

Integra: “ That's easy we ride on over to that pitiful excuse of a “ High school “ and put the mother of all beat downs on those gender traitors, so mount up and let's ROCK! “ she says with a lusty and slightly homicidal smirk as Misty and the other girls mount their souped up Wasteland hogs and roar off to the other side of Monument City while racking up an impressive number of vehicular homicides.

Dana:” I'm board, hey Marie is there anything going after school that is even half way interesting? “ she asks her friend as she, Marie and Nova are eating their lunches outside of MCH#69.

Marie:” Not really, just the usual after school club activities, do you want to hit the arcade after school? “ she asks her two friends as she take a drink of her Petit Cola.

Nova:” No I have extra homework to do, I can believe I failed the basic gun safety class, I mean no one was hurt......well not really, I mean that freak Corg just got a few hairs singed on his head it's no big deal. “ she says to Dana and Marie as she is munch on some super gooey fudge cookies that she had baked in her Home Economics class.

* Suddenly there is a roaring in the distance that seems to get louder with each passing second *

* Nova, Dana and Marie watch with growing apprehension as a huge cloud of dust is rapidly approaching them as they can barely hear the screams of the damned over the thundering roar of motorcycle engines. *

* Suddenly the cloud of dust and the roar of engines stops as they are covered in choking dust, then once they get over their coughing fit Marie, Dana and Nova so about fifty or so people on souped up motorcycles before them. *
Nova, Marie and Dana watch as a female with slabs of muscles and a flat chest from a life time of the chronic abuse of Protoculture enhanced steroids get off her blood and gore covered hog and walk towards them with a lusty, Sado-Cruel sneer on her chiseled face.

Integra: “ Well now you three have pretty mouths. “ she says with an evil, lusty tone of voice as she licks her lips making it clear to Dana, Marie and Nova that she and her friends are batting for the girl's team.

Dana: Nova: Marie:

*Cue the banjo music *


* Suddenly a large spider scuttles between Dana and her friends and the psychotic lesbian roid monkey. *

Integra:*Screams like a little girl and scrabbles up to the top of a two hundred foot tall oak tree in less then 2.2 seconds while the rest of her friends turn tail and hual ass down the road in a cloud of dust and flailing bodies. *


* Nova get's up and stomps the spider flat while she, Marie and Dana are trying to keep themselves from laughing out loud at how Integra and her muscle headed butch friends had freaked out over a little spider. *

After ten or so minutes Integra slowly climbs down the tree as most of the student at MCH#69 had heard her girly scream of terror and had gathered around to see what was going on. *

Integra: “ We going to get you for this! “ she snarls at the gathered students, Dana and her friend in particular then jumps on her hog and takes off leaving Marie, Nova and Dana as well as the other students wonder just what the hell was going on.

Marie:” Who the hell were they? “ she asked Dana as she gets a bad case of goose bumps as she recalled the way the muscle bound freak of feminine nature and her friends had been eying her, Dana and Nova.

Random Nameless Male Student:” I pity you three. “ he said with a pitying tone of voice as Nova and Dana look at him with a questioning look as Marie is having a bad case of homosexual panic.

Nova:Do you know these sick freaks?! “ she asked the Nameless Male student.

Nameless Male Student:” Yes, those *Girls* are from the Sister Of Repentant Woes Academy For Girls, also known as The Meat Market, sucks to be you three. “ he says to the three friends as he walks away with a cruel laugh.

I really do feel sorry for those 3.

This is why the introductory questionnaire for new students to MCHS#69 includes the question: "How many changes of underwear do you intend to bring to school?"

Arnie100: "Alright; class, who do we volunteer for the ice bucket challenge?"

(Edwards opens the door to his office and walks in and closes the door...suddenly...)

Edwards: "GGGGYYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" (As a dozen buckets of ice water is simultaneously dumped on target...)

(...Outside in the hallway...)

Nova: "What was that?!"
Dana: "Looks like they got Edwards..."
Nova: "With what?"
Dana: "Ice bucket challenge..."

(Medics wheel out Edwards frozen into a block of ice from his office...)

Dana: "Wasn't expecting that!"

Nova: "wait, don't you need to donate a bunch of money even if you do take the bucket?"

Louie: *Whistles while hitting "log out" from edward's bank account*