RDF/UEDF Siberia Soruce Book Idea(parody)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Jun 19, 2016 7:59 pm

THINGS HEARD ON THE BASE LATE AT NIGHT

"..Okay....I wouldn't have bet that you could freeze water ice cold and hard enough to fire from a gun barrel and still pierce armor...." :shock:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jun 22, 2016 7:25 pm

"Why can't WE declare a medical emergency and get somebody up here to rescue us?"
"Been tried, back in the old days."
"...and?"
"We got a 'get well' card and a bottle of aspirin on the next supply drop."
"...at least somebody cared..."
"The card was a 'to who it may concern' form letter printed out on a computer, it wasn't signed, and the aspirin was past its 'sell by' date."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri Jun 24, 2016 6:38 pm

Trooper #1: (Stripping to his speedos and running toward a hole in the ice) "THAT'S IT! I'M ENDING IT ALL!!!"

Trooper #2: "No Wait! Don..."

A Mossasaur explodes through the ice and swallows Trooper #2 whole.

"Global Warming!?!"

"Damn You! David Suzuki!!!" :badbad:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jun 24, 2016 8:54 pm

New Arctic Mutant Animal:
Protorbears
Protorbears were first identified when an IG patrol encountered what they thought was a particularly large Bhu-bhu, and attempted to snipe the thing before it could threaten the base population, aiming, as had become standard practice, for the center of mass. To their great astonishment, their rounds didn't blow the bear to blood chunks, but apparently into several dozen smaller polar bears, that rapidly dispersed across the tundra(though several did remain behind to attack the patrol when they attempted to capture several for study).
More protracted observation led to the conclusion that the nearly-dubbed 'Protorbears' were actually gelatinous colony creatures, each cell of which had the potential to become a polar bear-like creature, though the minimum effective size was about that of a large rat. The smaller creatures could combine into a larger polar bear-form(the upper limit of which remains unknown). This flexibility gives the protorbear the ability to exploit a variety of feeding and survival strategies. By breaking up into smaller forms, the animal-colony could gather food more quickly over a larger area, while forming larger forms allowed the gestalt to take on larger prey. Similarly, if the protorbear couldn't intimidate a larger predator, it could disperse itself, insuring that at least PART of it survived. The Protorbear could also use its large conglomerate form to break into buildings, where it could break down into smaller units to get into smaller spaces after smaller prey. It is also assumed that protorbears reproduce by asexual fission, most likely when they attain a critical mass.
Fortunately, protorbears are unable to imitate other lifeforms, and have proven susceptible to both open flame and alcohol(which dissolves their cell-walls), making the Ice Guard base still a strategic resource.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Thu Jul 28, 2016 11:50 pm

You know you've been playing to much Pokemon Go, when...

Celsia: (Staring at a mob of civilians pointing iPhones at her) "No, I am unfamiliar with this Pokemon creature... What wine does it go with?"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jul 29, 2016 7:42 pm

SRoss wrote:
You know you've been playing to much Pokemon Go, when...

"Say, what's a 'Bhu-Bhu' and why aren't there any points assigned to-"(sounds of flesh tearing and bones crunching)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Jul 30, 2016 8:16 pm

"Welcome, fresh meat! How did you %%%% up to come here?"
"..'Join a political party,' my father told me. 'Be part of the change, not part of the problem-'." :nh:

"...got another political here. They're some of the worst....they already come off the plane with no will to live."
"ITHey're almost HAPPY when they get eaten...Go figure."
"...I'm starting to feel glad I'm not down in the Warm. For some reason I feel safer up here."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sun Aug 14, 2016 8:13 pm

Jones looked out and realized the IceGuard base was floating on the ice in a stormy lake next to Deep One's sub...

Gendo: "Do you think this will work?"

Embryo: "Of course, when we've gathered their playthings, they will come."

Hild: "And I, will crush them..."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Aug 14, 2016 8:36 pm

SRoss wrote:Jones looked out and realized the IceGuard base was floating on the ice in a stormy lake next to Deep One's sub...

Gendo: "Do you think this will work?"

Embryo: "Of course, when we've gathered their playthings, they will come."

Hild: "And I, will crush them..."

Major Jones: "I just sensed a great gambit about to roll over and collapse like a calving iceberg..."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Wed Oct 26, 2016 8:02 pm

"Sir, the new transfer has arrived."

Jones: (Sipping his coffee - like substance) "OK, who's the poor sod this time?"

"Says his name is Frank N. Stine."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Oct 27, 2016 7:43 pm

SRoss wrote:"Sir, the new transfer has arrived."

Jones: (Sipping his coffee - like substance) "OK, who's the poor sod this time?"

"Says his name is Frank N. Stine."

Rockwell: "Yeah, we found another sailing ship frozen stiff into the ice. Just like that last bunch...'Franklin' was it? Couldn't ANY of these people navigate?"

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Thu Oct 27, 2016 8:17 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:"Sir, the new transfer has arrived."

Jones: (Sipping his coffee - like substance) "OK, who's the poor sod this time?"

"Says his name is Frank N. Stine."

Rockwell: "Yeah, we found another sailing ship frozen stiff into the ice. Just like that last bunch...'Franklin' was it? Couldn't ANY of these people navigate?"

Frankenstein: "Kim and Vanessa only want Snu snu! Frankenstein not plaything! Need rest! Come to cold, where Frankenstein finally get peace!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Oct 28, 2016 8:12 pm

SRoss wrote:[

Frankenstein: "Kim and Vanessa only want Snu snu! Frankenstein not plaything! Need rest! Come to cold, where Frankenstein finally get peace!"

This is the Boris Karloff Frankenstein, right? With a voice. He sounds like the Hulk. The original Shelley Monster was actually quite erudite and well-spoken, if embittered at his creator and the world that would despise him.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Oct 29, 2016 10:42 am

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:[

Frankenstein: "Kim and Vanessa only want Snu snu! Frankenstein not plaything! Need rest! Come to cold, where Frankenstein finally get peace!"

This is the Boris Karloff Frankenstein, right? With a voice. He sounds like the Hulk. The original Shelley Monster was actually quite erudite and well-spoken, if embittered at his creator and the world that would despise him.

Frankenstein: "Sorry, I'd just come off the plane. My teeth were chattering while I was talking..."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Oct 30, 2016 9:16 pm

SRoss wrote:[

Frankenstein: "Sorry, I'd just come off the plane. My teeth were chattering while I was talking..."

"Now...about that peace and quiet?"
"Best place would probably be where the base cook keeps the REAL food. It's not like he ever goes and does anything there."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Mon Nov 14, 2016 1:34 am

"Sir, it appears the Supermoon is effecting the tides."

Jones: "We're on ice. How bad can it be?"

"The 37[sup]th[/sup] just washed up in our control tower."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Mon Nov 14, 2016 7:11 pm

Jones: "We're not melting, are we?!"
"Apparently they were surfing..."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Nov 14, 2016 9:05 pm

Arnie100 wrote:Jones: "We're not melting, are we?!"
"Apparently they were surfing..."

"Global warming?"
"For crying out loud, stores down in the Warm already have Christmas decorations out!!!!"

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri Nov 25, 2016 10:16 pm

taalismn wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:Jones: "We're not melting, are we?!"
"Apparently they were surfing..."

"Global warming?"
"For crying out loud, stores down in the Warm already have Christmas decorations out!!!!"

"Don't worry sir, I have the men performing an invocation to call down more ice..."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Nov 26, 2016 1:10 pm

SRoss wrote:
taalismn wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:Jones: "We're not melting, are we?!"
"Apparently they were surfing..."

"Global warming?"
"For crying out loud, stores down in the Warm already have Christmas decorations out!!!!"

"Don't worry sir, I have the men performing an invocation to call down more ice..."

"Might wanna tone it down a bit; you loosened the icicles on the roof enough that three troopers almost got impaled by falling ice."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri Dec 02, 2016 12:19 pm

"Sir, the base techs have finished Christmas Preperations."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Dec 02, 2016 8:42 pm

"This is when we turn on the heavy-duty long-arctic-night runway lights, and see how many have been chewed off by the local wildlife."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Dec 09, 2016 8:34 pm

Jones: "So, just where are we going to find room to dorm the winter study kids we're supposed to be hosting?"
Rockwell: "I'll just clear away that ugly snow castle over there."
Esla:"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Dec 10, 2016 11:33 am

taalismn wrote:Jones: "So, just where are we going to find room to dorm the winter study kids we're supposed to be hosting?"
Rockwell: "I'll just clear away that ugly snow castle over there."
Esla:"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Celsia looks up in time to see semi-melted remains of an ice castle bury her and the hive...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Dec 10, 2016 8:19 pm

SRoss wrote:
taalismn wrote:Jones: "So, just where are we going to find room to dorm the winter study kids we're supposed to be hosting?"
Rockwell: "I'll just clear away that ugly snow castle over there."
Esla:"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Celsia looks up in time to see semi-melted remains of an ice castle bury her and the hive...

"Well, Tol-a-ver, you're not going to be leaving for your 'work shift' until that is all cleared. Until then, I can think of ways to pass the time..." :twisted:

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Dec 10, 2016 9:03 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:
taalismn wrote:Jones: "So, just where are we going to find room to dorm the winter study kids we're supposed to be hosting?"
Rockwell: "I'll just clear away that ugly snow castle over there."
Esla:"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Celsia looks up in time to see semi-melted remains of an ice castle bury her and the hive...

"Well, Tol-a-ver, you're not going to be leaving for your 'work shift' until that is all cleared. Until then, I can think of ways to pass the time..."

Celsia: "Wow! I didn't know a human could dig through solid ice with his bare hands so quickly. " :shock:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Dec 10, 2016 9:23 pm

Tolliver: "Reporting for duty, sir!!!!"
Jones: "That's all very nice, Mister Tolliver, but Lieutenant Spector has watchtower shift today. This is your offshift day. remember?"
Tolliver: "...I was pretty sure I had duty today....?"
Jones: "After the incident with the shoggoth last week? No, I promised everybody involved they could have this week off. Enjoy; you earned it."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Dec 10, 2016 10:11 pm

taalismn wrote:Tolliver: "Reporting for duty, sir!!!!"
Jones: "That's all very nice, Mister Tolliver, but Lieutenant Spector has watchtower shift today. This is your offshift day. remember?"
Tolliver: "...I was pretty sure I had duty today....?"
Jones: "After the incident with the shoggoth last week? No, I promised everybody involved they could have this week off. Enjoy; you earned it."

Niomi: (Riding a Bau Bau) "Hey Tolliver! Ever hear the song Hunting Girl by Jethro Tull?"

Tolliver: (Running blindly into the snow) :eek:

"Geeaahh!!!" :eek:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Dec 10, 2016 10:29 pm

"Okay, who bet that Tolliver would lose his marbles about this time?"

Jones: "I find it disturbing that we have a regular betting pool on when people will go mad around here."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Dec 10, 2016 11:22 pm

Smith: "Major Jones, what brings you to my door?"
Jones: "I know you're behind the flip-out pool. I also know you're not above stacking the deck in favor of your bets. I want you to stop."
Smith: "I've done nothing illegal; only enhanced the social environment here! And besides, what do you think you can do about it?"
Jones: "I can tell Alvarez you enjoy his cooking."
Smith: "So what?"
Jones: "To EAT, not to experiment with."
Smith: "Again; so what?"
Jones: "You know how he likes to see people ENJOY his food. I'll make you sit in front of him and EAT for him."
Smith: "...you wouldn't....." :shock:

(chorus from outside) "HE WOULD, DUDE! HE WOULD!"
Smith: "...I seem to have underestimated how evil you really are, Jones."
Jones: "I wouldn't say 'evil'....merely pragmatic."
Smith: "...I'M SO PROUD OF YOU! MY WORK HERE HAS NOT BEEN IN VAIN!!!"
Jones: "Your attempt to take credit for my cynical mean streak has been duly noted. Now cease, or I'm make you sit down for SECONDS."
Smith: "...oh no..."
Jones: "Maybe even DESSERT."
Smith: "...please, I'll be good."
Jones: "THat's what I expect of you. Don't make me come back here with Alvarez to SERVE YOU BREAKFAST IN BED."
Smith: "Aaaieeee!!!" (makes warding signs as he slams his door shut)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Dec 18, 2016 11:49 pm

"I'm telling you, it was a mutant miniature bhu-bhu!"
"And I'm telling you you just shot one of Alvarez's apple turnovers."
"It CHARGED me across the table!"
"I'm not disputing it; I was there. Regardless of what it was, unloading a full clip of armor-piercing in the cafeteria just got us banned from Alvarez's sight. That goes down in my book as a GOOD thing."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Dec 21, 2016 10:26 pm

(sudden opening shot of an ape-like White Walker flattened against a windshield of armor-glass, just before the creature falls out of view and there is a shuddering THUMP)
IceGuard SnoCat driver: "Winter is here."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri Dec 23, 2016 5:09 pm

SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH THE ICEGUARD.

#1 - The stockings are out, and everyone's praying they get coal in them...

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Fri Dec 23, 2016 5:35 pm

SRoss wrote:
SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH THE ICEGUARD.

#1 - The stockings are out, and everyone's praying they get coal in them...

#2 - You've been given orders to shoot down anything that looks like a flying sleigh with reindeers in front of it and to apprehend or kill any old, bearded fat men in a red suit screaming, "HOHOHO!"

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri Dec 23, 2016 7:51 pm

Arnie100 wrote:
SRoss wrote:
SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH THE ICEGUARD.

#1 - The stockings are out, and everyone's praying they get coal in them...

#2 - You've been given orders to shoot down anything that looks like a flying sleigh with reindeers in front of it and to apprehend or kill any old, bearded fat men in a red suit screaming, "HOHOHO!"

#3 - To entertain the kids, Santa circles around the base... But Santa is Niomi, driving a Bau Bau drawn sleigh, trying to outrun Celsia after kidnapping err, rescuing Tolaver.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Dec 23, 2016 8:31 pm

SRoss wrote:
SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH THE ICEGUARD.

.

#4 Your 'Secret Santa' in the office pool consists of getting the stuff of whatever newbie gets kacked first after Christmas Eve.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri Dec 23, 2016 9:06 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:
SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH THE ICEGUARD.

.

#4 Your 'Secret Santa' in the office pool consists of getting the stuff of whatever newbie gets kacked first after Christmas Eve.

Millie Vanich: (Frowning at the pair of boots) "Just what I needed another pair of men's size 10..." :nh:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Dec 23, 2016 9:15 pm

SRoss wrote:
SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH THE ICEGUARD.

..

#5. You're using the base christmas lights as luminous BAIT.

#6. You get wrapped christmas presents from the EBSIS base marked "DO NOT SCAN, X-RAY, OR CHECK WITH SECURITY SENSORS. DO NOT OPEN UNTIL X-HOUR."

#7. The base cook has promised everybody a treat of his 'festive pointsetta soup'.

#8 Bringing in the christmas tree, you have to be careful not to defrost the frozen giant mosquitoes.

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Fri Dec 23, 2016 9:22 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:
SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH THE ICEGUARD.

..

#5. You're using the base christmas lights as luminous BAIT.

#6. You get wrapped christmas presents from the EBSIS base marked "DO NOT SCAN, X-RAY, OR CHECK WITH SECURITY SENSORS. DO NOT OPEN UNTIL X-HOUR."

#7. The base cook has promised everybody a treat of his 'festive pointsetta soup'.

#8 Bringing in the christmas tree, you have to be careful not to defrost the frozen giant mosquitoes.

#9 - Santa has ECM pods mounted to his sleigh to avoid radar and missile lock-on.

#10 - The real reason Santa brings elves is to man the Gatling guns.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Dec 23, 2016 10:14 pm

SRoss wrote:
SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH THE ICEGUARD.

.

#11 They won't let you go out caroling until the avalanche all-clear sounds.

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sat Dec 24, 2016 3:24 am

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:
SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH THE ICEGUARD.

.

#11 They won't let you go out caroling until the avalanche all-clear sounds.

12 - The chimneys are lined with claymore mines and barbed wire.

13 - Kids of Iceguard troopers lie in wait to ambush Santa.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Dec 24, 2016 11:39 am

Arnie100 wrote:
taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:
SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH THE ICEGUARD.

.

#11 They won't let you go out caroling until the avalanche all-clear sounds.

#12 - The chimneys are lined with claymore mines and barbed wire.

#13 - Kids of Iceguard troopers lie in wait to ambush Santa.

#14 - Celsia learns of Mistletoe.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Dec 24, 2016 10:08 pm

SRoss wrote:
SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH THE ICEGUARD.

.

#15. You memorize where all the snowmen are around the base. If any of them have moved, you burn them.

#16 You know what roast elf or garden gnome tastes like.

#17 You kiss under a sprig of the Flower of Life

#18 Tolliver's kids tell Santa telepathically what they want for Christmas

#19 Your new fur slippers growl when danger threatens.

#20 The figgy pudding has an alcohol content higher than a drum of Sterno.

21. You're assigned to go out to chip the nude sauna bathers free of the ice drifts.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Dec 24, 2016 11:31 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:
SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH THE ICEGUARD.

#15 - You memorize where all the snowmen are around the base. If any of them have moved, you burn them.

#16 - You know what roast elf or garden gnome tastes like.

#17 - You kiss under a sprig of the Flower of Life

#18 - Tolliver's kids tell Santa telepathically what they want for Christmas

#19 - Your new fur slippers growl when danger threatens.

#20 - The figgy pudding has an alcohol content higher than a drum of Sterno.

#21 - You're assigned to go out to chip the nude sauna bathers free of the ice drifts.

#22 - You'd have drunk the Kool-Aid but its frozen solid.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Dec 24, 2016 11:51 pm

Christmas Eve, the E.B.S.I.S. base...

EBSIS Trooper #1: "Look! Santa's Sleigh!" :-D

EBSIS Trooper #2: "He abandoned it full of presents!"

The troopers crowd around the heavily laden sleigh.

EBSIS Trooper #3: "Why are they beeping?" :-?

Rockwell: (Sipping hot coco, watching the mushroom cloud rise on the horizon) "<Sigh> It's the little things in life you have to appreciate." :mrgreen:

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sun Dec 25, 2016 12:08 am

Iceguard Trooper: "All of a sudden it got warm... :shock:

...oh, that's why!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Dec 25, 2016 12:46 am

Arnie100 wrote:Iceguard Trooper: "All of a sudden it got warm......oh, that's why!"

Only at Ice Guard would the thermal shockwave from a nuclear detonation be considered a warm breeze....

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Mon Dec 26, 2016 2:12 pm

taalismn wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:Iceguard Trooper: "All of a sudden it got warm......oh, that's why!"

Only at Ice Guard would the thermal shockwave from a nuclear detonation be considered a warm breeze....

Ice Guard Trooper: "It IS kind of nippy down here...I hope those EBSIS boys enjoyed my cobaltlimpet fruitcake surprise!"

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Mon Dec 26, 2016 5:51 pm

Over at the EBSIS Base...

Grundgy: "Piissssst! Hey comrades, wanna buy some bath lotion?"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Dec 26, 2016 8:52 pm

SRoss wrote:Over at the EBSIS Base...

Grundgy: "Piissssst! Hey comrades, wanna buy some bath lotion?"

Yeah, these are people who would drink Sterno....