I'm not Cherico, but hell I wann give a try.
Sincerely I did not imagined that things would end up in such way.
Before that night I was just a small time crook. In the criminal food chain I was on the lowest level possible, I knew it. Sure I got the ability to shot fire beam from eyes , I can resist heat, and I can sustain a lot of punishment without die. People with much less got in Big league, I know. But for some reason I did not. I always told myself it was just bad luck, that given a good chance I could do a big hit, that I too could get some respect like the Crimson Destroyer, or even become a real boss like the Minotaur!
Thinking how things ended up right now, I understand I was just cheating myself. It was not matter of luck...Or of more power by the way.
I was just not talented enough.
Damn I should get a clue about how people reacted at my name "Crimson burner"
Laugh
I hated laugh
And I wanted to stop them
In Way or another.
I thought that improving my power, perhaps...
And so I meet that dark guy. He appeared literally from nothing. I was hiding since my latest boss was captured by Legion, and I barely escaped. His name was Chaos. He was wearing all black clothes, and his face was, well weirdly looking. No not monstrous or what, Looked normal, just there was something wrong in it, I jus wasn’t able to tell what. He told me he could increase my power thousand times, so that the legion would not be problem no more. He gave me this address and told that if i was interested we could meet there. And before I could ask him anything POOF. Was gone, I just raised my eyes from the note and he wasn't no more there.
Sincerely at first I didn't knew what to do. I had heard rumours about this Chaos, but each one telling a different thing: who say he is a mad god, who an alien, who a mad scientist from Armstrong lab And I don’t wanted to end up as pet lab for the Frankenstein of the year. Still with no money, no job, no girls and on the run from the legion, Well I decided to take the risk.
It was Big Mistake. The biggest of my life.
And now I’m here, still a thug, doomed to be an henchman for life
The powers?
Oh sure that ******* monster pumped them up, so well that I'm on fire and I cannot turn my flames off!! How I'm supposed to live like this!! What's worth money if you cannot touch anyone for the rest of your life without incinerating them!! Thankfully now I don’t need to eat no more.
And this not counting the skull head, and the fact that I’m unable to disobey any order from Lord Chaos....
Now what remained of my life is just obeying order and fight for my master.
In the end nothing changed truly. Except that I've lost the only thing I had left.
My freedom
In Chaos we trust
Moderators: Immortals, Supreme Beings, Old Ones
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The Baron of chaos
- Champion
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- Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2000 2:01 am
- Location: Dark Dimension
In Chaos we trust
"The baron is made of raw win. Search your feelings, you know it to be true."
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Marcantony
- Adventurer
- Posts: 540
- Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2000 2:01 am
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Sentinel
- Palladin
- Posts: 12242
- Joined: Tue Jul 09, 2002 1:01 am
- Location: At the forefront of the War between Good & Evil.
- Contact:
Now, this would be a good Rifter story. Well, maybe if there were 50 more pages of story and some artwork too... 
when you get right down to it, Sentinel's right.~Uncle Servo.
Sentinel. you'll be always loved by the German Princess.~Nelly
That's twice in one day Sentinel has cleaned up my mess.~The Galactus Kid.
That's the best place to start. Otherwise, listen to Sentinel~lather
Listen to the Sentinel...he speaks truth.~ Shadyslug
Sentinel you have the biggest sig I've ever seen~Natasha
Sentinel. you'll be always loved by the German Princess.~Nelly
That's twice in one day Sentinel has cleaned up my mess.~The Galactus Kid.
That's the best place to start. Otherwise, listen to Sentinel~lather
Listen to the Sentinel...he speaks truth.~ Shadyslug
Sentinel you have the biggest sig I've ever seen~Natasha
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The Baron of chaos
- Champion
- Posts: 2290
- Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2000 2:01 am
- Location: Dark Dimension
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Prince Cherico
- Hero
- Posts: 1134
- Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2001 2:01 am
- Comment: Remember also that the smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights, cannot claim to be defenders of minorities
Ayn Rand - Location: california
The basis of the story was good but
the grammer was worse then mine was
the grammer was worse then mine was
Svartalf- if Cherico were a character created in a point game system, he'd have all his scores in geeky skills and his youtube and weird net stuff schticks all paid through a a Terminal Bad Luck (with more nasty GM intervention) disadvantage, and probably an Uncouth (can not have social skills) disad as well...
In an RPG with deadly situations that character would have had to be replaced a dozen times over[
In an RPG with deadly situations that character would have had to be replaced a dozen times over[
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Prince Cherico
- Hero
- Posts: 1134
- Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2001 2:01 am
- Comment: Remember also that the smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights, cannot claim to be defenders of minorities
Ayn Rand - Location: california
(the story has pontential I will try a rewrite)
The noise of the amtract shook the building. Plaster
plinked across the container I sleep in. The trains late
its always late, My boss says that he could make the
trains run on time. I doubt even he could make the train
run on time. The building is completely silent, the warm goo
I'm sleeping in smells like a hospital. It has the sickly sweet
smell of medicine wasting away to nothing.
I thought I was going to be big. I could shoot fire from my eyes
I was invincable to flame. I could take punishment that could
cripple lesser men with out blinking. I was a god among insects
and I wanted my due. I wanted to be big like the crimson destroyer
or hell even the minotaur. I knew I could make it into the big time.
I know better now I know how stupid I was. I was like a child trying
to drive a tank.
I named myself the crimson burner. People laughed at me
they shouldn't of laughed at me. I can still see their burnt
corspes on the ground where I placed them. Their dead eyes
staring at me with the blank acusing glare of the recently deceased.
It wasn't enough for me, nothing was enough for me. I wanted to shake the heavens with my power. I was not strong enough to do that. I knew sooner or later the cops, the leigon, or maybe just some lucky punk would
take me down.
The lights of the building are starting to flicker and die. I can hear light classical music burning its way into my brain. Its pretentous crap that should of died with the men who created it. My boss of course loves it
hes working on some thing. Hes always working on some thing I guess
thats why hes the boss.
His name Is chaos, I don't know his real name. He never tells any one his real name. When I first sought him out I wanted to become more powerful. I didn't want to become a mad scientists pet nor did I have the money to go to a lab. That would of cost money and I always blew mine up my nose. I was broke, enemployed, alone and on the run. I still burned with ambition though.
So I found him and made the bigest mistake of my life.
I still remember the searing pain that spread through out
my veins, I still remember screaming in pain and the flames
engulfed my body for the first time. I still rember his sick smile.
I'm still on fire, I'm a flaming burning torch doomed to burn a life time.
I'm a monster in the truest sense of the word. As time passed I found out
the other things he did to me. The pain the extreme pain I feel when ever I disobey him or displease him was a shock. These days I am a slave I was enslaved by my own ambition.
I hear a scream filling the building, and then a death rattle. My
boss was finished with his nightly entertainment. I heard a bell tinkle
in the midnight air. I got out of the goo, as I did this flames engulfed
me bit by bit.
I shed a single tear of regret and went to work.
The noise of the amtract shook the building. Plaster
plinked across the container I sleep in. The trains late
its always late, My boss says that he could make the
trains run on time. I doubt even he could make the train
run on time. The building is completely silent, the warm goo
I'm sleeping in smells like a hospital. It has the sickly sweet
smell of medicine wasting away to nothing.
I thought I was going to be big. I could shoot fire from my eyes
I was invincable to flame. I could take punishment that could
cripple lesser men with out blinking. I was a god among insects
and I wanted my due. I wanted to be big like the crimson destroyer
or hell even the minotaur. I knew I could make it into the big time.
I know better now I know how stupid I was. I was like a child trying
to drive a tank.
I named myself the crimson burner. People laughed at me
they shouldn't of laughed at me. I can still see their burnt
corspes on the ground where I placed them. Their dead eyes
staring at me with the blank acusing glare of the recently deceased.
It wasn't enough for me, nothing was enough for me. I wanted to shake the heavens with my power. I was not strong enough to do that. I knew sooner or later the cops, the leigon, or maybe just some lucky punk would
take me down.
The lights of the building are starting to flicker and die. I can hear light classical music burning its way into my brain. Its pretentous crap that should of died with the men who created it. My boss of course loves it
hes working on some thing. Hes always working on some thing I guess
thats why hes the boss.
His name Is chaos, I don't know his real name. He never tells any one his real name. When I first sought him out I wanted to become more powerful. I didn't want to become a mad scientists pet nor did I have the money to go to a lab. That would of cost money and I always blew mine up my nose. I was broke, enemployed, alone and on the run. I still burned with ambition though.
So I found him and made the bigest mistake of my life.
I still remember the searing pain that spread through out
my veins, I still remember screaming in pain and the flames
engulfed my body for the first time. I still rember his sick smile.
I'm still on fire, I'm a flaming burning torch doomed to burn a life time.
I'm a monster in the truest sense of the word. As time passed I found out
the other things he did to me. The pain the extreme pain I feel when ever I disobey him or displease him was a shock. These days I am a slave I was enslaved by my own ambition.
I hear a scream filling the building, and then a death rattle. My
boss was finished with his nightly entertainment. I heard a bell tinkle
in the midnight air. I got out of the goo, as I did this flames engulfed
me bit by bit.
I shed a single tear of regret and went to work.
Svartalf- if Cherico were a character created in a point game system, he'd have all his scores in geeky skills and his youtube and weird net stuff schticks all paid through a a Terminal Bad Luck (with more nasty GM intervention) disadvantage, and probably an Uncouth (can not have social skills) disad as well...
In an RPG with deadly situations that character would have had to be replaced a dozen times over[
In an RPG with deadly situations that character would have had to be replaced a dozen times over[
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The Baron of chaos
- Champion
- Posts: 2290
- Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2000 2:01 am
- Location: Dark Dimension
Ya know Cherico you really did a good job, rewriting my stuff.
Hell, I'm the first to admit that my was just an attempt, I'm not a good writer.
As for grammar hey, I think my gramamr was fair good. Well perhaps fair is excessive but was acceptable.
Anyway your re-writing is good.
Hell, I'm the first to admit that my was just an attempt, I'm not a good writer.
As for grammar hey, I think my gramamr was fair good. Well perhaps fair is excessive but was acceptable.
Anyway your re-writing is good.
"The baron is made of raw win. Search your feelings, you know it to be true."
I wonder...
What would we end up with if we had the combined efforts of the writers, creators and humble editors on this board all work on one story, with fleshed out characters and perhaps later, even a little art work?
Man.. we could write some excellent stuff.
Nice work Baron, and Cherico.
Seeing the rewrite of the prose, I can see (third party) what effect having a willing editor can have.. heh!
I hope this writing trend continues.
What would we end up with if we had the combined efforts of the writers, creators and humble editors on this board all work on one story, with fleshed out characters and perhaps later, even a little art work?
Man.. we could write some excellent stuff.
Nice work Baron, and Cherico.
Seeing the rewrite of the prose, I can see (third party) what effect having a willing editor can have.. heh!
I hope this writing trend continues.
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The Baron of chaos
- Champion
- Posts: 2290
- Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2000 2:01 am
- Location: Dark Dimension
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The Baron of chaos
- Champion
- Posts: 2290
- Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2000 2:01 am
- Location: Dark Dimension
OHHH huh???!!! Who are you abunch of english grammar teachers?!!
Jokes apart, I dont know how to feel about not one but TWO rewriting!!
Is apositive or negative thing?
OH another thing.
GADRIGN FORG OD SAKE CHANGE THE COLOR!! BLack, gold, red dam even pink but chose amore visible color!!!
Jokes apart, I dont know how to feel about not one but TWO rewriting!!
Is apositive or negative thing?
OH another thing.
GADRIGN FORG OD SAKE CHANGE THE COLOR!! BLack, gold, red dam even pink but chose amore visible color!!!
"The baron is made of raw win. Search your feelings, you know it to be true."
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The Baron of chaos
- Champion
- Posts: 2290
- Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2000 2:01 am
- Location: Dark Dimension
count your blessings Baron
You can see in the two rewrites, two quite different styles of writing and depiction of the same basic theme/idea/series of events.
If I were to rewrite it, which I am not.. it would look different again and you would see other things you could have included.. now the fun part..
First thing you learn in any writing class is to consider any writing just put down on paper (or screen) to be the first draft.. any experienced writer or editor can spot a first draft a mile away..
What you do with the first draft is rewrite it yourself, I usually read it aloud as I do so, because that helps me spot grammar errors or repeated words that just need a tweek.. I also trim, trim and trim some more.. because sometimes, you can get rid of about half of what is written into the first draft.. make it lean, punchy and to the point. include descriptive text, sure, but make certain it is there for a reason.
I'm not intending in any way to offend you Baron, just to make that clear.. I seek only to lend a helping hand.. I really respect the fact that you went to the effort and had the courage to post a story here.. most people never even get that far before giving up.
You can see in the two rewrites, two quite different styles of writing and depiction of the same basic theme/idea/series of events.
If I were to rewrite it, which I am not.. it would look different again and you would see other things you could have included.. now the fun part..
First thing you learn in any writing class is to consider any writing just put down on paper (or screen) to be the first draft.. any experienced writer or editor can spot a first draft a mile away..
What you do with the first draft is rewrite it yourself, I usually read it aloud as I do so, because that helps me spot grammar errors or repeated words that just need a tweek.. I also trim, trim and trim some more.. because sometimes, you can get rid of about half of what is written into the first draft.. make it lean, punchy and to the point. include descriptive text, sure, but make certain it is there for a reason.
I'm not intending in any way to offend you Baron, just to make that clear.. I seek only to lend a helping hand.. I really respect the fact that you went to the effort and had the courage to post a story here.. most people never even get that far before giving up.
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The Baron of chaos
- Champion
- Posts: 2290
- Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2000 2:01 am
- Location: Dark Dimension