The 2088th Pathfinders(parody)

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Fri Aug 07, 2015 8:54 am

taalismn wrote:"Okayyyy...what's your paranoid rant this time about how high command has deliberately engineered our mission to kill us?"
"It's not paranoia and it's not ranting I tell you! And the proof is solid and in the hardware. See...our consignment of CBA-4 Walker battloids? OPerating manual sez that if the main body armor is ablated, the pilot can activate an emergency escape feature which blows off the remaining battloid structure off the CVR armor he's wearing."
"Yes? So?"
"I checked OUR Walkers. The jettison mechanism doesn't EXPLODE OFF, it IMPLODES IN! It's a killer!"
"Surely you're mistaken."
"I'm NOT! The explosive bolt configuration pushes any remaining battloid plates INWARDS!"
"Maybe maintenance just made a mistake on the ones you inspected; you gotta admit, we're not the top of the line or the elite when it comes to personnel assignments."
"YOU CAN'T PLUG IN SHAPED CHARGES BACKWARDS! THE WHOLE DAMN STRUCTURE'S DESIGNED WRONG! This was DELIBERATE! We're suppoed to think everything's working just fine, aand when we get into trouble we hit the emergency release and SQUEE-SPLAT! WE get kacked by our own hardware! And it will look like the enemy killed us, WHEN IT'S OUR OWN SIDE THAT REALLY DID IT! It's an insidious plot to murder us all! What are you going to do about it?!"
"Nothing. We're lost, remember?"
"...oh...right."

Well given that they have been sent on a one way trip to who knows where with death trap equipment I'd have to say they have a 50/50 chance of living if they can salvage new equipment or convert ailen tech for their own use even though Halv6.66 might screw around with the on borad construction equipment.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Aug 07, 2015 1:43 pm

And they just might get revenge on the people back home by utterly screwboning any First Contacts and getting a bunch of strangers mad at the UEEF... :twisted:

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Fri Aug 07, 2015 4:41 pm

taalismn wrote:And they just might get revenge on the people back home by utterly screwboning any First Contacts and getting a bunch of strangers mad at the UEEF...

Captain Ham:" Just as planed. " :twisted:

Hal v.6.66:" Not bad for a fleshbag, you have potental. "

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sat Aug 08, 2015 1:59 pm

Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:And they just might get revenge on the people back home by utterly screwboning any First Contacts and getting a bunch of strangers mad at the UEEF...

Captain Ham:" Just as planed. "

Hal v.6.66:" Not bad for a fleshbag, you have potental. "

Capt. Ham: "I never should've signed up...should've just opened up my own diner..."

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Sun Aug 09, 2015 10:13 am

Arnie100 wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:And they just might get revenge on the people back home by utterly screwboning any First Contacts and getting a bunch of strangers mad at the UEEF...

Captain Ham:" Just as planed. "

Hal v.6.66:" Not bad for a fleshbag, you have potental. "

Capt. Ham: "I never should've signed up...should've just opened up my own diner..."

Sargent Lilith *Princess* Nonetobright:" But Captain if you did that who would lead us, after all you are the most experinced of the UEEF's officer crops which is why they gave you this asignment. "

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sun Aug 09, 2015 11:25 am

Kargan3033 wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:And they just might get revenge on the people back home by utterly screwboning any First Contacts and getting a bunch of strangers mad at the UEEF...

Captain Ham: "Just as planed."

Hal v.6.66: "Not bad for a fleshbag, you have potential."

Capt. Ham: "I never should've signed up...should've just opened up my own diner..."

Sargent Lilith *Princess* Nonetobright: "But Captain if you did that who would lead us, after all you are the most experienced of the UEEF's officer crops which is why they gave you this assignment."

So she's their spin doctor...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Aug 09, 2015 8:32 pm

SRoss wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:[

So she's their spin doctor...

Or the Designated Eternal Optimist...

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Thu Aug 13, 2015 8:59 am

SRoss wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:And they just might get revenge on the people back home by utterly screwboning any First Contacts and getting a bunch of strangers mad at the UEEF...

Captain Ham: "Just as planed."

Hal v.6.66: "Not bad for a fleshbag, you have potential."

Capt. Ham: "I never should've signed up...should've just opened up my own diner..."

Sargent Lilith *Princess* Nonetobright: "But Captain if you did that who would lead us, after all you are the most experienced of the UEEF's officer crops which is why they gave you this assignment."

So she's their spin doctor...

No she's a basic dumb ass hence her last name.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Aug 13, 2015 4:43 pm

No reason she can't be both. There's ample evidence that a certain degree of reality denial, stupidity, and rose-colored glasses is a requirement of a good spin doctor.

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Thu Aug 13, 2015 9:24 pm

taalismn wrote:No reason she can't be both. There's ample evidence that a certain degree of reality denial, stupidity, and rose-colored glasses is a requirement of a good spin doctor.

as well as a high M.A.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Aug 13, 2015 10:03 pm

Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:No reason she can't be both. There's ample evidence that a certain degree of reality denial, stupidity, and rose-colored glasses is a requirement of a good spin doctor.

as well as a high M.A.

And a free salad and steak bar.

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Thu Aug 13, 2015 10:10 pm

taalismn wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:No reason she can't be both. There's ample evidence that a certain degree of reality denial, stupidity, and rose-colored glasses is a requirement of a good spin doctor.

as well as a high M.A.

And a free salad and steak bar.

So basicly you are saying the key to being a top notch spin doctor is all a matter of presentation and good freebies.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Aug 16, 2015 11:06 pm

Yes....being able to lie outrageously with a straight face is paramount. An open bar just lubricates the lie.

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Mon Aug 17, 2015 6:56 am

taalismn wrote:Yes....being able to lie outrageously with a straight face is paramount. An open bar just lubricates the lie.

Ahh ok then, so basicly the poltical scum bags have their spin docitors get everyone ripped so that their lies will be more palitable.

No wonder why why aliens haven't made contact with us, they figure everyones a drunken liar.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Aug 17, 2015 11:10 am

Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:Yes....being able to lie outrageously with a straight face is paramount. An open bar just lubricates the lie.

Ahh ok then, so basicly the poltical scum bags have their spin docitors get everyone ripped so that their lies will be more palitable.

No wonder why why aliens haven't made contact with us, they figure everyones a drunken liar.

And why the SMART aliens are avoiding the Pathfinders like rabid skunks.

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Mon Aug 17, 2015 3:21 pm

taalismn wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:Yes....being able to lie outrageously with a straight face is paramount. An open bar just lubricates the lie.

Ahh ok then, so basicly the poltical scum bags have their spin docitors get everyone ripped so that their lies will be more palitable.

No wonder why why aliens haven't made contact with us, they figure everyones a drunken liar.

And why the SMART aliens are avoiding the Pathfinders like rabid skunks.

" They can run, but they can't hide. " :twisted:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Aug 17, 2015 8:17 pm

Whether, in the bigger picture, this makes the galaxy safer for Humanity, or more dangerous, is up to debate.

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Mon Aug 17, 2015 8:23 pm

taalismn wrote:Whether, in the bigger picture, this makes the galaxy safer for Humanity, or more dangerous, is up to debate.

I think it would be fairly safe to say it will make all of creation all the more leathal for the human race.

Being known as the ultimit evil incarnate by the rest of creation does tend to play heavly on a person's perscution complexes.

In witch case the UEEF would be doing the upmost to find the 2088th before the rest of creation decieds that to manity to much of a threat to the safety and stabilty of creation it'self and eradicates the human race from exstance.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Aug 26, 2015 11:41 am

"Sir, I've discovered a wormhole that would cut our transit time across the Local Group of galaxies to mere minutes!"
"What's the catch?"
"...we'd have to be the diameter of an earthworm to safely transit it..."
"Can we expand it? With enough brute force? That's worked before."
"That would qualify as an 'unsafe transit', sir."
"For the wormhole or us?"
"For all reality, sir."
"Do you LIKE dangling these moral questions in front of me, Malcolm?"
'Sir?"
"The decision between being stuck at crawling at Fold speeds across unknown space or casually exploding the universe for a few moments of being able to say we've gone farther and faster than any other Terran has ever been? That sort of moral question?"
"I was unaware that qualified."
"It does. So unless you discover a means of moving us faster that does NOT involve wiping out everything as we know it..."
"Yes, sir?"
"Keep it to yourself."
"Yes, sir."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Dec 19, 2015 12:42 am

"Captain we're almost home!"

The Gargoyle "Lands" Near the Ice Guard

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sat Dec 19, 2015 12:56 am

Chief Toombs: "I was NOWHERE near that!"

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Dec 19, 2015 12:58 am

Arnie100 wrote:Chief Toombs: "I was NOWHERE near that!"

"Actually, weren't you UNDER it?"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Dec 19, 2015 12:53 pm

SRoss wrote:"Captain we're almost home!"

The Gargoyle "Lands" Near the Ice Guard

The Sentinels who have previously landed at Ice Guard immediately go on red alert. Gargoyle's reputation precedes them.

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sat Dec 19, 2015 2:56 pm

Chief Toobs: "There's no WAY I'm cleaning THAT up!!"

(Someone hands Toombs a shovel...)

Chief Toombs: "Dammit!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Dec 19, 2015 8:36 pm

(aboard the Gargoyle)
"Say, that guy coming over here? Doesn't that look like-?"
"SEAL THE AIRLOCKS! SEAL THE AIRLOCKS! ALL THRUSTERS TO EMERGENCY LIFT!!!! NOW!!!!! NOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!"

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sat Dec 19, 2015 10:07 pm

Chief Toombs: "Oh, come ON...DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Dec 19, 2015 10:12 pm

Arnie100 wrote:Chief Toombs: "Oh, come ON...DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!!"

....And that's when the kraken bursts from the ice beneath him, grabs him with its tentacles, jet-leaps into the air using its powerful siphon jet, and slam-dunks him into one of the Gargoyle's scramjet intakes.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Dec 19, 2015 10:49 pm

Kirk: "FOR GOD'S SAKE, FIRE THE SCRAMJETS!!!"

Meanwhile, out cold in some crew woman's shower...

Roy Fooker has a dream...

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sun Dec 20, 2015 12:53 am

Chief Toombs: :cry:

"Can't I get a break?!"
Everyone: "NO."
Chief Toombs :shock:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Dec 20, 2015 2:47 pm

SRoss wrote:Kirk: "FOR GOD'S SAKE, FIRE THE SCRAMJETS!!!"

Meanwhile, out cold in some crew woman's shower...

Roy Fooker has a dream...

The fact that

Spoiler:

is either frightening or relieving.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sun Dec 20, 2015 9:06 pm

Question, who's shower is he in this time?

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sun Dec 20, 2015 9:15 pm

Minmei:

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY SHOWER?!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Dec 22, 2015 8:18 pm

Arnie100 wrote:Minmei: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY SHOWER?!"

"I think we were all a little surprised that Minmei's shower wand has a 'flame-thrower' setting...after the 'fire hose' pressure setting and the 'high pressure steam flense' option."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Wed Dec 23, 2015 6:15 pm

"Uhhhmmm...well, you see...its like this..."
Minmei: "WELL?!" (Levelling her shotgun right at his...you know...)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Dec 23, 2015 8:41 pm

Arnie100 wrote::oops: "Uhhhmmm...well, you see...its like this..."
Minmei: "WELL?!" (Levelling her shotgun right at his...you know...)

*fruitbasket*
"If you don't get your banana and kiwi the HELL out my shower, I'm force-feeding you some pineapple salad."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Dec 24, 2015 3:05 pm

Okay, some new mecha for the 2088th.

The following are based on a number of VHF-10 AGACS abandoned during the 2nd Robotech War for various reasons(split between battle damage and recurrent mechanical problems), and tinkered with during the Invid Occupation by desperate(ly)/bored lunar(tic) personnel. They were available for loading aboard the Gargoyle(after the deck officer sold off some VAFs and VBFs to make room.

*VHFP-10F 'Starflare'---An attempt to salvage the Ajax by making it the fastest damn mecha in the UEDF/UEEF. A beefed-up powerplant consisting of two early-model Beta-Fighter powertrains grafted onto the small VHF-10, put considerable strain on the little fighter's landing gear(giving it a reputation as a 'blow-out queen') but also TRIPLED its maximum flying speed. The engineers were sure they had a record-beater with this one.
Unfortunately the VHFP-10F had a tendency, when engaging in any maneuvers at high speed more vigorous than flying in a relatively straight line, or putting undue stress on the unreinforced airframe. If the main powertrain lost structural integrity, the result was a rather spectacular reactor breach and explosion. Fortunately the cockpit ejection mechanisms tended to be a tad overpowered, and if a pilot didn't mind having their teeth removed from their colon afterwards, they might be able to JUST escape the shockwave of their late ship.

*VHFP-10P 'DeathBlossom'---This was an effort by lunar personnel to address the fact that the Southern Cross TASC was woefully ill-equipped to deal with the Invid swarm tactics in space. Engineers replaced the main rotorhead of the VHF-10 with the TrIC-LRotary Ion Turret from wrecked Tirolian Roil-Tiluvo dropships. Despite ending up looking like a skinny short man under a large parasol, it was hoped the VHFP-10P could spray Invid formations with blaster bolts, breaking up their swarms. Atmospheric performance was dismissed as the VHFP-10P was intended for use in space, to secure the high ground, and would jettison the turret if atmospheric reentry was necessary.
Unfortunately, the power draw and the added mass of the turret caused the speed and agility of the Ajaxs to suffer, and the VHFP-10P was best escorted into battle by other less-burdened mecha until it could get within range of a suitable number of Invid and then let fly. Even more unfortunate, at this point, were quirks and incompatibilities between the Terran and Tirolian targeting software, and the resulting barrage of fire let loose by the 'DeathBlossom' proved equally as dangerous to friend as to foe, and VHFP-10Ps logged the highest ratio of 'friendly fire aces' since the missile-spam attacks of the First Robotech War.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Dec 28, 2015 11:10 pm

"Okay...so what atrocity have you committed while I was off-watch? Come on, 'fess up; don't be bashful."
"We sorta accelerated the collision of our galaxy with Andromeda."
"*sigh*...how long do we have?"
"A few hundred thousand years. It used to be tens of millions."
"I can only be grateful that no known civilization has lasted that long. The memories of our misdeeds will be well forgotten, even if there is a humanity still around at that time."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Thu Jan 07, 2016 12:46 pm

"So! Who gets to tell the Captain, we traded our entire supply of coffee-like substance to the IceGuard for porn?"

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Thu Jan 07, 2016 1:32 pm

"WHAT?! NO COFFEE?!" :cry:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jan 07, 2016 7:00 pm

Arnie100 wrote::x "WHAT?! NO COFFEE?!"

"So...how many alien civilizations will die this time in a fit of irritability?"

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Thu Jan 07, 2016 9:23 pm

"I know what will calm him down... We'll put that porn we got from the IceGuard on the main view screen."

Cut to the main Bridge view... The images from Tollivar's helmet camera...

Celsias: (Naked, straddling Tollivar) :love:

"Oh Toll-i-var! You don't know how long I've waited for this!!!" :love:

Gargoyle Crew: :shock:

"That's not right..." :eek:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jan 07, 2016 9:47 pm

"What we are seeing, gentlemen, is the birth of a new race. One that will control the universe and drive us out of existence."
"...not if we blow up the universe first."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Thu Jan 07, 2016 10:11 pm

Ume: "This has upset Tessa! I'm taking her to my quarters to comfort her."

Hal v6.66: "If anyone is interested, I, who for one welcome our new masters, have prepared Jonestown brand Kool-Aid for the entire crew. Please drink up!"

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Thu Jan 07, 2016 10:38 pm

"Uhm...no thanks..."
"A happy computer can't be good..."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri Jan 08, 2016 3:16 pm

"Sir! those ships are launching Tie Fighters!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jan 08, 2016 4:55 pm

SRoss wrote:"Sir! those ships are launching Tie Fighters!"

"Missile Spam, Tubes One through One Hundred, fire as they bear."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Fri Jan 08, 2016 5:04 pm

"Wait...How did THOSE get here?!"
"Great...Disney's gonna pay us a visit again..." :nh:

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri Jan 08, 2016 9:43 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:"Sir! those ships are launching Tie Fighters!"

"Missile Spam, Tubes One through One Hundred, fire as they bear."

Ensign Stoner: (Hearing the missile tubes fire) :eek:

"DUDE! MY STASH!!!" :eek:

First Order Tie Commander: "Sir! We're being bombarded with Flower of Life Joints!"

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Fri Jan 08, 2016 9:58 pm

Lawyer #1: "EXCUSE ME!!! (Jumping up and down and waving arms) But those belong to us!"
Lawyer #2: "Yeah! We represent Disney and Luc -- (Suddenly finds himself staring at several dozen energy weapons pointed at him) -- NEVER MIND..." :frazz:

Lawyer #1: :shock:

"I think we 'll just go somewhere else, thank you."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri Jan 08, 2016 10:20 pm

Jones: "So, ALL the missile tubes are loaded with contraband?" :nh: