The 2088th Pathfinders(parody)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Nov 17, 2016 4:16 pm

I'm increasingly reminded of the Honor Harrington Universe short story "A Ship Called Francis"( John Ringo & Victor Mitchell). The idea is similar, of a 'pariah' vessel, complete with rigger-happy XO and a ship's chaplain whose daily uplifting messages of faith inevitably digress into detailed proclamations of doom if some minor bit of maintenance fails or the navigator puts them on a collision course with the sun....

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Thu Nov 17, 2016 4:38 pm

Welshy: "Don't worry Captain, with this bit of borrowed technology, we'll be home in no time."

Cut to a Mother Box wired to the Fold Drive...

Hal: "Well, no way this can go wrong..." :roll:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Nov 17, 2016 5:27 pm

SRoss wrote:Welshy: "Don't worry Captain, with this bit of borrowed technology, we'll be home in no time."

Cut to a Mother Box wired to the Fold Drive...

Hal: "Well, no way this can go wrong..."

Hal here seems to been programmed by the wonderful people who brought you Delos amusement parks....

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Thu Nov 17, 2016 5:47 pm

Welshy: "Don't worry about anything, Captain. That engine overload warning sign needs to be replaced."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Nov 17, 2016 6:23 pm

Arnie100 wrote:Welshy: "Don't worry about anything, Captain. That engine overload warning sign needs to be replaced."

"I suppose the smoke detector batteries don't need to be changed either."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Thu Nov 17, 2016 7:04 pm

taalismn wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:Welshy: "Don't worry about anything, Captain. That engine overload warning sign needs to be replaced."

"I suppose the smoke detector batteries don't need to be changed either."

Welshy:

"We have batteries?!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Nov 17, 2016 8:24 pm

Arnie100 wrote:
taalismn wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:Welshy: "Don't worry about anything, Captain. That engine overload warning sign needs to be replaced."

"I suppose the smoke detector batteries don't need to be changed either."

Welshy: "We have batteries?!"

Lead-acid ones. The cutting edge of electrical energy storage.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Thu Nov 17, 2016 8:57 pm

taalismn wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:
taalismn wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:Welshy: "Don't worry about anything, Captain. That engine overload warning sign needs to be replaced."

"I suppose the smoke detector batteries don't need to be changed either."

Welshy: "We have batteries?!"

Lead-acid ones. The cutting edge of electrical energy storage.

Welshy: "Even better Captain! I got a connection who got us a load of brand-new Lithium-Ion batteries, cheap! Can ya believe it, Samsung was just goin to throw them away!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Nov 17, 2016 9:11 pm

"Well, we ARE overdue for a shipboard explosion..."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Thu Nov 17, 2016 9:38 pm

taalismn wrote:"Well, we ARE overdue for a shipboard explosion..."

"And since they're in the Smoke Detectors, we won't be bothered by annoying buzzing."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Thu Nov 17, 2016 9:41 pm

Marvin: "So you see, Captain? Nothing to worry about! I'm sure that smoke you're seeing means someone on board is having a BBQ!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Nov 17, 2016 11:02 pm

Arnie100 wrote:Marvin: "So you see, Captain? Nothing to worry about! I'm sure that smoke you're seeing means someone on board is having a BBQ!"

"Which is going to become my new favorite way of disciplining people who #### with our engineering systems."
"Treat them to a barbecue dinner?"
"No. Roast them slowly with fire."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Fri Nov 18, 2016 7:48 pm

taalismn wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:Marvin: "So you see, Captain? Nothing to worry about! I'm sure that smoke you're seeing means someone on board is having a BBQ!"

"Which is going to become my new favorite way of disciplining people who #### with our engineering systems."
"Treat them to a barbecue dinner?"
"No. Roast them slowly with fire."

"With what? The engines just blew out."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Nov 18, 2016 9:15 pm

The Captain raises the Colonial Marines(TM)-brand flanethrower.
"...oh..."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sat Nov 19, 2016 4:39 pm

Marvin: "You know, Captain...there aren't any regulations about using those on board a ship..."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Nov 19, 2016 7:58 pm

Arnie100 wrote:Marvin: "You know, Captain...there aren't any regulations about using those on board a ship..."

The small print: Warning, product not to be used indoors. Please refrain from use around any flammable or explosive materials. Colonial Marine Corpes and it's subsidiaries are not responsible for death or maiming do to misuse of this product. If the user develops a sudden infestation of xenomorphs please consult Ripley immediately.

Product of India

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Nov 19, 2016 8:26 pm

Arnie100 wrote:Marvin: "You know, Captain...there aren't any regulations about using those on board a ship..."

"Exactly....I can't light up a spliff on the bridge, but oddly enough I can set people on fire with this...."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sat Nov 19, 2016 10:31 pm

Marvin: "Smoking is dangerous to your health, Captain...why are pointing that thing at Mr?"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Nov 19, 2016 11:26 pm

Auxiliary Damage Control:
"Red light on the bridge. Fire suppression cut in."
"Again? Okay, same procedure as last time; wait five minutes for the decompression to vacuum the foam out, reseal and repressurize, crack the doors, check for any remaining hot spots, and send anything still living to Sickbay. Oh, and tell CAG to alert the CAP picket to circle closer to look for anybody that got sucked out."
"Captain wasn't the same after that."
"Captain should count himself lucky the patrols spotted him in time."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sat Nov 19, 2016 11:31 pm

"Well...we are missing someone..."
"Who?"
"Marvin."
"Oh, no loss then."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Nov 20, 2016 12:02 am

Arnie100 wrote:"Well...we are missing someone..."
"Who?"
"Marvin."
"Oh, no loss then."

...at least until his mass, moving at relativistic velocity, hits somebody.

To quote Haldemen's The Forever War: "At that velocity it doesn't matter if you've been hit with a spitball or a nova bomb."

Yeah, the Gargoyle will definitely be blamed for that one.

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sun Nov 20, 2016 12:54 am

taalismn wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:"Well...we are missing someone..."
"Who?"
"Marvin."
"Oh, no loss then."

...at least until his mass, moving at relativistic velocity, hits somebody.

To quote Haldemen's The Forever War: "At that velocity it doesn't matter if you've been hit with a spitball or a nova bomb."

Yeah, the Gargoyle will definitely be blamed for that one.

"Who's he from?"
"The Gargoyle..."
"Them...again?!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Nov 20, 2016 9:14 pm

"Did we just destroy another emerging civilization?"
"And if we did?"
"I have a bet in the pool."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sun Nov 20, 2016 9:30 pm

Tessa: "I tell you the universe is circular..."

Fooker: "No it isn't."

Tessa: "Yes it is."

Fooker: "No it isn't."

Tessa: "Yes! It! Is!"

Fooker: "No! It! Isn't!"

Marvin tears through the bow and out the stern of the Gargoyle...

Fooker: :shock:

"You may be on to something..." :shock:

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sun Nov 20, 2016 9:34 pm

Marvin clambers out of the jungle...

Jaquin: "WELCOME TO AVALOR!"

Marvin: :frust:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Nov 20, 2016 9:35 pm

SRoss wrote:Tessa: "I tell you the universe is circular..."

Fooker: "No it isn't."

Tessa: "Yes it is."

Fooker: "No it isn't."

Tessa: "Yes! It! Is!"

Fooker: "No! It! Isn't!"

Marvin tears through the bow and out the stern of the Gargoyle...

Fooker: "You may be on to something..."

"More likely the navigator has us traveling in circles...again..."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Mon Nov 21, 2016 5:39 pm

(Across the Megaverse, a single name was heard...)

"MMMMMMMAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Nov 21, 2016 9:34 pm

"Sounds like our Mechanical Envoy of Friendship and Happiness talked another culture into mass suicide and extinction..." :roll:

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Thu Dec 15, 2016 7:00 pm

Tessa: "Sir we've landed beside the IceGuard base."

Kirk: "Excellent! Activate the Lights!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Dec 15, 2016 7:24 pm

SRoss wrote:Tessa: "Sir we've landed beside the IceGuard base."

Kirk: "Excellent! Activate the Lights!"

Transparent tentacles rise up through the ice to...eat? Mate? Shut off those damn bright lights?

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:46 am

Fooker: "CAPTAIN! THE ICEGUARD STOLE YOUR PORN STASH!!!"

Kirk:

"JJJJJJJJOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Feb 26, 2017 8:46 pm

IGTrooper: "...hell...xenomorph porn....well, at least we got tinder for the fire barrel."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Wed May 10, 2017 4:38 pm

Kirk and the crew braced the bulkhead, the insistent banging and scratching continued...

Kirk: "FOR THE LAST TIME! THERE'S NO ONE NAMED SHINJI ON BOARD! GO AWAY!!!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed May 10, 2017 9:53 pm

"I know we were deliberately shortchanged on equipment, but...our fusion generators tend to be started with a PULL LANYARD???!!!!! Like a lawnmower? Seriously???!!!"
"Well, analogue is coming back over digital."
"This goes beyond that! We're not even electronic starters!!! It's...it's....we're even worse than having to handcrank the engines!!!"

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat May 13, 2017 8:08 pm

taalismn wrote:"I know we were deliberately shortchanged on equipment, but...our fusion generators tend to be started with a PULL LANYARD???!!!!! Like a lawnmower? Seriously???!!!"
"Well, analogue is coming back over digital."
"This goes beyond that! We're not even electronic starters!!! It's...it's....we're even worse than having to handcrank the engines!!!"

"It's worse, the Head is just a hole in the hull!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat May 13, 2017 9:15 pm

SRoss wrote:[q

"It's worse, the Head is just a hole in the hull!"

"Vaccum flush...foolproof design."
"Ah, we got enough fools to prove that's not true..."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue May 16, 2017 8:17 pm

"So, what's for lunch?"
"Poached facegripper."
"AGAIN???!!!"

(One thing you KNOW going into an Aliens movie...you're going to start counting off who, introduced in the first fifteen minutes, is going to get kacked by the movie's end)

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Thu May 18, 2017 2:17 am

taalismn wrote:"So, what's for lunch?"
"Poached facegripper."
"AGAIN???!!!"

Cut to: Thousands of Facehuggers, swarming the Queen, and trying to climb back up the egg chute...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu May 18, 2017 4:30 pm

SRoss wrote:
taalismn wrote:"So, what's for lunch?"
"Poached facegripper."
"AGAIN???!!!"

Cut to: Thousands of Facehuggers, swarming the Queen, and trying to climb back up the egg chute...

Ripley: "Play back that sequence again-"
Bishop: "What? We've already run it three hundred times-"
Ripley: "AGAIN."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sun May 28, 2017 11:24 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:
taalismn wrote:"So, what's for lunch?"
"Poached facegripper."
"AGAIN???!!!"

Cut to: Thousands of Facehuggers, swarming the Queen, and trying to climb back up the egg chute...

Ripley: "Play back that sequence again-"
Bishop: "What? We've already run it three hundred times-"
Ripley: "AGAIN."

Fooker: (Knocking on the Captain's door) "Sir, Ridley Scott is out here and wants to have a word with you... He's got a baseball bat."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon May 29, 2017 9:24 pm

SRoss wrote:
Fooker: (Knocking on the Captain's door) "Sir, Ridley Scott is out here and wants to have a word with you... He's got a baseball bat."

"Something about killing Space Jesus-"

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Tue May 30, 2017 3:48 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:
Fooker: (Knocking on the Captain's door) "Sir, Ridley Scott is out here and wants to have a word with you... He's got a baseball bat."

"Something about killing Space Jesus-"

"HAH! I'm surrounded by Xenomorphs! Wait...what?" :shock:

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Wed May 31, 2017 12:36 am

Arnie100 wrote:
taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:
Fooker: (Knocking on the Captain's door) "Sir, Ridley Scott is out here and wants to have a word with you... He's got a baseball bat."

"Something about killing Space Jesus-"

"HAH! I'm surrounded by Xenomorphs! Wait...what?"

Xenomorphs: "Please! Save us from the Lunch Lady at MCH #69!!!"

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sun Jun 04, 2017 9:44 pm

Fooker: "CAPTAIN! THAT'S NOT A CLASS M PLANET!!! THAT'S A BERSERKER!!!" :eek:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Jun 04, 2017 9:55 pm

SRoss wrote:Fooker: "CAPTAIN! THAT'S NOT A CLASS M PLANET!!! THAT'S A BERSERKER!!!"

#GOODLIFE DESTROY MANY CIVILIZATIONS FOR US, NO?#

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sun Jun 11, 2017 9:17 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:Fooker: "CAPTAIN! THAT'S NOT A CLASS M PLANET!!! THAT'S A BERSERKER!!!"

#GOODLIFE DESTROY MANY CIVILIZATIONS FOR US, NO?#

Kirk: (Gesturing) "WE, COME, IN PEACE ..." (Aside) "Load the Reflex Missiles, full spread..."

Fooker: "Um, sir. You traded the Reflex Missiles for Invid porn, remember?" :erm:

Kirk: (Over emphasizing) "WE, ARE SENDING OVER, A PEACE, ENVOY." (Aside) "Chuck Marvin out the airlock and get ready to run."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Jun 11, 2017 10:33 pm

Kirk: "Oh yeah, and send them the copy of poems by that strange alien...what was the name? Sploorfix or something? They might appreciate that, too. Shows we appreciate culture."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Fri Jun 16, 2017 4:21 pm

Marvin:

"Uhhhh...I come in peace? And I bring a gift?" (Hands over copy of poems...)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jun 16, 2017 9:36 pm

Arnie100 wrote:Marvin: "Uhhhh...I come in peace? And I bring a gift?" (Hands over copy of poems...)

Marvin(the Paranoid Android) would be more like:
"Woe is me. Brain the size of a planet, and I'm reduced to being mail delivery to stupid machines. Meanwhile the humans who sent me are standing off at a distance waiting for whatever booby-trap they're having me deliver go off and destroy you. But I imagine next you'll try to recruit and assimilate me, then threaten to destroy me. You'll add more pain and misery to my existence, but you come nowhere close to the discomfort I already suffer from the diodes on my left side. How boring and predictable. "

Nothing is an uncertain question to Marvin unless it's coached as a rhetorical question or sarcastic statement with the gloomiest interpretive slant: "I suppose you want me to go down to the airlock and mop the flesh-eating slime out into space? While you set the self-destruct and launch the escape pods in the other direction? I thought so. Oh well, such is my lot in existence."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Mon Jul 03, 2017 7:11 pm

Kirk: "Alright, here's the plan... We fold in, rob the IceGuard blind, and fold out before they even know what hit them." :twisted:

Fooker: "You realize your talking about an atmospheric space fold ... on to a moving ice flow?" :erm:

Kirk: "Is that a problem?"

Fooker: "Tessa's navigating..." :nh:

Kirk: "Oh dear."

Cut to: IceGuard's base.

Jones: "Did you hear something?"

Twitch: "Nope."

Cut to: The Gargoyle defolding half in the 37th's base.