The 2088th Pathfinders(parody)

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Thu May 05, 2016 2:40 pm

"Does that mean we're doomed?"
"Nope."
"Oh, good...I was worried there."
"It means 'Bend over and kiss your @$$ goodbye'!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu May 05, 2016 5:43 pm

Arnie100 wrote:"Does that mean we're doomed?"
"Nope."
"Oh, good...I was worried there."
"It means 'Bend over and kiss your @$$ goodbye'!"

"Our ship is the only vessel in the entire UEEF whose bridge stations come with Prozac dispensers built into the arm rests..."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Thu May 05, 2016 11:11 pm

Female Computer Voice: <<Crew heart rates rising... Initiating Dutch Oven Protocol.>>

Ventilation system flooded with pot.

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Thu May 05, 2016 11:32 pm

SRoss wrote:Ventilation system flooded with pot.

"Is that a good thing?"
"Oooohhh, mmmyyyyy..."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri May 06, 2016 8:19 pm

Arnie100 wrote:
SRoss wrote:Ventilation system flooded with pot.

"Is that a good thing?"
"Oooohhh, mmmyyyyy..."

"Look, we're flying into the sun..."
"Oh wow....... Dive! Dive!"

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri May 06, 2016 9:21 pm

taalismn wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:
SRoss wrote:Ventilation system flooded with pot.

"Is that a good thing?"
"Oooohhh, mmmyyyyy..."

"Look, we're flying into the sun..."
"Oh wow....... Dive! Dive!"

Tessa: "Heeeey Captain ... We collided with somethin..."

Kirk: "Whaat?"

Tessa: "Yo-Momma." :lol:

Fooker: "Good one." :lol:

Aboard the Yo-Momma...

Darkraven: (Crawling out of the shower) "@#$%^& holes."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Fri May 06, 2016 10:56 pm

Yo-Momma 2nd-in-Command: "I still can't believe someone named us YO-MOMMA..." :nh:

Yo-Momma Navigator: "They could've named us something cool like...Dauntless, Avenger, Indomitable, Enterprise, Yamato...but YO-MOMMA?!"

say652 · Unread post by **say652** » Fri May 06, 2016 11:10 pm

Gravy aboard Yo Momma regains his balance after the collision.
"Well Yo Momma smells like broken dreams and daddy issues."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Fri May 06, 2016 11:22 pm

say652 wrote:Gravy aboard Yo Momma regains his balance after the collision.
"Well Yo Momma smells like broken dreams and daddy issues."

"So what're you doing here, then?"

say652 · Unread post by **say652** » Sat May 07, 2016 10:26 am

"Thought it was a strip club."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat May 07, 2016 7:10 pm

Arnie100 wrote:Yo-Momma 2nd-in-Command: "I still can't believe someone named us YO-MOMMA..."
Yo-Momma Navigator: "They could've named us something cool like...Dauntless, Avenger, Indomitable, Enterprise, Yamato...but YO-MOMMA?!"

Clearly not a Culture(d) ship....

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sun May 08, 2016 10:05 pm

The Gargoyle continues it's pointless journey.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon May 09, 2016 7:40 pm

SRoss wrote:The Gargoyle continues it's pointless journey.

"Pointless? We're saving a BUNDLE on pensions and medical coverage since we shipped them off to the ends of the universe."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Mon May 09, 2016 9:49 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:The Gargoyle continues it's pointless journey.

"Pointless? We're saving a BUNDLE on pensions and medical coverage since we shipped them off to the ends of the universe."

"I meant pointless to them, not us."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Mon May 09, 2016 10:58 pm

SRoss wrote:
taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:The Gargoyle continues it's pointless journey.

"Pointless? We're saving a BUNDLE on pensions and medical coverage since we shipped them off to the ends of the universe."

"I meant pointless to them, not us."

Clueless Ensign: "Well, THEY don't know it's pointless, it might give them some hope!" (Suddenly finds himself transferred to the Yo-Momma...)

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Tue May 10, 2016 4:55 pm

At different locations in deepest, darkest space.

Supply Officers on the Gargoyle, the Argo and Yo-Momma: "Captain! We're out of Toilet Paper!!!" :eek:

Captain's Kirk, Lancer and Darkraven:

Meanwhile, in IceGuard's Supply Depot...

Vanitch and Jasmine: (Staring at a mountain of boxes of toilet paper from all over the multi-verse) "Mine. All mine." :demon:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue May 10, 2016 5:14 pm

"I just use Captain Kirk's Weekly Morale Booster Reports."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Tue May 10, 2016 5:22 pm

SRoss wrote:At different locations in deepest, darkest space.

Supply Officers on the Gargoyle, the Argo and Yo-Momma: "Captain! We're out of Toilet Paper!!!"

Captain's Kirk, Lancer and Darkraven:

Meanwhile, in IceGuard's Supply Depot...

Vanitch and Jasmine: (Staring at a mountain of boxes of toilet paper from all over the multi-verse) "Mine. All mine."

"What are they gonna do with all that toilet paper?"
"I don't wanna know. It's safer that way."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed May 11, 2016 7:11 pm

The Exploding Lemmings for some reason avoid toilet paper walls like vampires avoid swimming pools of holy water....

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Wed May 11, 2016 9:08 pm

Vanitch: "Step 1. Grab all the toilet paper. Step 2. ??? Step 3. Profit!!!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu May 12, 2016 8:48 am

SRoss wrote:Vanitch: "Step 1. Grab all the toilet paper. Step 2. ??? Step 3. Profit!!!"

That's like the cartoon where two physicists are working out a long, incredibly convoluted and sophisticated mathematical proof on a blackboard, step by step....
The mentor steps back, looks at the student, and sez "I wish you'd be a bit more explicit here in this step..."...the indicated step-equation simply reading 'and then a miracle occurs." before resuming in mathematical script...

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Mon May 16, 2016 2:13 pm

"With no toilet paper, what do we do?!"
"There's always paper -- "
"They're gone, too!"
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon May 16, 2016 8:08 pm

Captain Kirk: (looking at crewmember with the alien lifeform attached to his face) "I thought I made it perfectly clear: NO FRATERNIZATION WITH THE NATIVES!!!"

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Mon May 16, 2016 8:21 pm

Ship's Doctor: "No way I'm treating that! I'm a DOCTOR, I don't deal in parasitic lifeforms!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon May 16, 2016 8:47 pm

Arnie100 wrote:Ship's Doctor: "No way I'm treating that! I'm a DOCTOR, I don't deal in parasitic lifeforms!"

"Well, that eliminates a good third of the crew then...."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat May 28, 2016 10:49 am

"There can't be any vessel worse than our own."
"Well, I've heard rumors of a vessel that MIGHT match us. The Francis Mueller."
"Indeed? How come I've never heard of them?"
"They're Grayson Space Navy....Honorverse*. Completely different universe. Not likely to run into them."
"Probably for the best, They'd probably kick our asses**."
"Entirely possible, sir."
"Bets the next sensor contacts is them on a collision course with us?"
"Not taking that bet, sir."

*The Francis Mueller's from A Ship Named Francis", written by John Ringo and Victor Mitchell. The ship is, like the Gargoyle, essentially a spacegoing gulag. The captain's incompetent, the navigators tend to forget to factor in planets, the ship's chaplain is a very verbal doom-and-gloom depressive, and the medical officers, when they're not working on their own drinking problems, are handing out tranquilizers and straitjackets.

**Entirely possible; given the way spacecraft combat is handled in the Honorverse, what with ranged combat over thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of miles, x-ray battle lasers, and those damned near invincible wedges and sidewalls Honorverse ships have, and given that the Francis Mueller's a heavy cruiser(obsolete class, but still heavy) the Graysons would have to be even more ####ed up than usual to NOT bone the Gargoyle. The Gargoyle's best bet would have to be gambling with some piece of insane experimental technology, or hoping that the Francis Mueller's crew gork THEMSELVES in some manner, allowing the Gargoyle to effectively get in a lucky shot or slit their throats while the Graysons are figuring out how NOT to make their engines explode. Running into the Gargoyle might be the Francis Mueller's opportunity to actually be able to DO anything positive(like actually winning a battle) but Narrative Casualty attendant to BOTH ships would either grind its gears, preventing either ship from making a definite kill....or that entire arm of the galaxy might explode into a sinkhole of Loser.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sun May 29, 2016 6:26 pm

Fooker: "CAPTAIN! Remember the toilet paper situation? Its gotten worse!"

Kirk: "Worse then out? How?"

Fooker: "Now we're also out of fresh water and its curry night!"

Bridge Crew: :shock:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun May 29, 2016 10:40 pm

SRoss wrote:Fooker: "CAPTAIN! Remember the toilet paper situation? Its gotten worse!"

Kirk: "Worse then out? How?"

Fooker: "Now we're also out of fresh water and its curry night!"

Bridge Crew:

"Water's not a problem. We find a nice pre-cometary body in the local Ort Cloud and harvest it for water!"
"Sir, need I remind you that our navigator has problems finding his way to the bathroom, at the back of the bridge? Asking him to find a frozen snowball in the vast reaches of deep space is..."
'I'm aware of his problems. I figure if I ask him to plot a course to graze the sun, he'll put us on a collision course with a comet instead. "

batlchip · Unread post by **batlchip** » Thu Jun 02, 2016 8:42 pm

Sir,you do know what happened last time you had him set a collision course? Yes he almost hit base.Yes sir and we're still paying for one thousand pairs of jockey shorts.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jun 03, 2016 9:23 pm

batlchip wrote:Sir,you do know what happened last time you had him set a collision course? Yes he almost hit base.Yes sir and we're still paying for one thousand pairs of jockey shorts.

"So close to returning home, and yet so far..... These are the continuing voyages of the starship Gargoyle, it's open-ended mission to blunder blindly through the endless depths of space seek out new civilizations...""

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jun 28, 2016 1:42 pm

"...damn it, navigation, you took us across the Fourth Wall again, didn't you?!"
"I swear, Captain, I know where we are!"
"I know, too; we're between nowhere and anywhere, right in the middle of where the hell are we?"
"..shut up, communications..."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Tue Jun 28, 2016 2:51 pm

taalismn wrote:"...damn it, navigation, you took us across the Fourth Wall again, didn't you?!"
"I swear, Captain, I know where we are!"
"I know, too; we're between nowhere and anywhere, right in the middle of where the hell are we?"
"..shut up, communications..."

"Ohhh, we're in a bad place..."

"How can you tell?"

Navigator points out the view port at all the single socks drifting about.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jun 28, 2016 3:34 pm

It's the Hose Zone....

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Jul 02, 2016 1:35 pm

taalismn wrote:It's the Hose Zone....

"Worse, it's that place connected to all the dryers in the multiverse... Where all the missing socks and underwear go!!!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Jul 02, 2016 8:34 pm

"My god, we're in the lint trap of the multiverse...."
"Fuzz-space?"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jul 05, 2016 6:18 pm

"Okay, make a note: anti-matter annihilation fireworks are best viewed at a considerably LARGE safe distance, like halfway across the solar system...not directly astern of our engine venturis."
"...but...the colors...so...incredible!!!!...."
"That was the high energy radiation chiseling your optical nerves. And your brain cells dying."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Tue Jul 05, 2016 7:35 pm

taalismn wrote:"Okay, make a note: anti-matter annihilation fireworks are best viewed at a considerably LARGE safe distance, like halfway across the solar system...not directly astern of our engine venturis."
"...but...the colors...so...incredible!!!!...."
"That was the high energy radiation chiseling your optical nerves. And your brain cells dying."

"So it's like the coffee on this ship?"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jul 05, 2016 7:47 pm

SRoss wrote:[

"So it's like the coffee on this ship?"

"Almost. In the case of the radiation burns the vomiting eventually ends."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sun Jul 17, 2016 11:49 pm

Kirk:

"You call this slop coffee?" :puke:

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Mon Jul 18, 2016 10:38 am

Arnie100 wrote:Kirk: "You call this slop coffee?"

"Damn it Ham! That was my stool sample!!!" :badbad:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Jul 18, 2016 7:50 pm

"Captain Kodai...they're following us again..."
"Damn it! I KNOW we promised Queen Starsha not to ever build and use another Wave Motion Gun, but I can't think of anything else that can get them off our tails!!!!!!"

batlchip · Unread post by **batlchip** » Sun Jul 24, 2016 11:33 pm

Mesa tink wes doomed!!
Kodai: wait I suddenly have a plan.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Mon Jul 25, 2016 10:25 am

batlchip wrote:Mesa tink wes doomed!!
Kodai: wait I suddenly have a plan.

Jar Jar is suddenly beamed on to the Gargoyle's bridge in a thong bikini...

Ume: "Captain your date has arrived..." :twisted:

Jar Jar: :eek:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Jul 25, 2016 1:33 pm

Dessler: (looking at the welded chain attaching him to Jar Jar Binks)"I will find you humans of the ...Gargoyle....and I will kill every single one of you, slowly, in ways that all the stars in the universe will avert their light to keep from seeing...."

batlchip · Unread post by **batlchip** » Tue Aug 02, 2016 12:40 am

taalismn wrote:Dessler: (looking at the welded chain attaching him to Jar Jar Binks)"I will find you humans of the ...Gargoyle....and I will kill every single one of you, slowly, in ways that all the stars in the universe will avert their light to keep from seeing...."

Pika?

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Tue Aug 02, 2016 11:41 am

batlchip wrote:
taalismn wrote:Dessler: (looking at the welded chain attaching him to Jar Jar Binks)"I will find you humans of the ...Gargoyle....and I will kill every single one of you, slowly, in ways that all the stars in the universe will avert their light to keep from seeing...."

Pika?

Fooker: (Hosing the bridge with gunfire) :eek:

"IT'S ONE OF THOSE MADOKA THINGS!!! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!" :eek:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Aug 02, 2016 5:13 pm

"Bridge just got decompressed..from the inside..."
"AGAIN?!"

batlchip · Unread post by **batlchip** » Sat Aug 06, 2016 4:50 am

*boom boom boom* "Telegram". :twisted:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Aug 06, 2016 11:32 am

batlchip wrote:*boom boom boom* "Telegram".

"Oh, for crying out loud....You fell for that landshark scam AGAIN?! WE'RE ON A FREAKIN' SPACESHIP!!!!!!!"

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Aug 06, 2016 12:53 pm

A dark planet with a dark crystal palace... The Gargoyle stove piped into it's main hall...

Tessa: "So this is the Negamoon..."