RDF/UEDF Siberia Soruce Book Idea(parody)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Apr 15, 2015 9:51 am

Kargan3033 wrote:[
Well it's better then the ususal napalm cooking that is the ususal fare at the Ice Guard's mess hall, which gives a whole new leaning to Tossed Salad.

There's two meanings to 'Tossed Salad', depending on whether it's coming or going...

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Wed Apr 15, 2015 4:13 pm

taalismn wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:[
Well it's better then the ususal napalm cooking that is the ususal fare at the Ice Guard's mess hall, which gives a whole new leaning to Tossed Salad.

There's two meanings to 'Tossed Salad', depending on whether it's coming or going...

That is true but if it's Pineapple Salad then it doesn't matter if it's coming or going because you will be coming(to your death) or going (to your grave) one way or another.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Apr 15, 2015 7:09 pm

Actually, most genre-savvy who see the Pineapple Salad coming, be going to be eating someplace else as soon as possible...

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on whether you subscribe to superstition or nutrition , pineapple, canned or in any other form, appears to be in scant supply at Ice Guard. This, however, does not prevent an initially high rate of attrition among newbs.

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Wed Apr 15, 2015 8:02 pm

taalismn wrote:Actually, most genre-savvy who see the Pineapple Salad coming, be going to be eating someplace else as soon as possible...

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on whether you subscribe to superstition or nutrition , pineapple, canned or in any other form, appears to be in scant supply at Ice Guard. This, however, does not prevent an initially high rate of attrition among newbs.

That's true which also leads to major cases of sucrvy among the more Genre-savy Ice Guards who view fruits as a harbringer of doom because of the Pineapple Effect.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Apr 16, 2015 1:24 pm

Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:Actually, most genre-savvy who see the Pineapple Salad coming, be going to be eating someplace else as soon as possible...

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on whether you subscribe to superstition or nutrition , pineapple, canned or in any other form, appears to be in scant supply at Ice Guard. This, however, does not prevent an initially high rate of attrition among newbs.

That's true which also leads to major cases of sucrvy among the more Genre-savy Ice Guards who view fruits as a harbringer of doom because of the Pineapple Effect.

"If a pineapple killed Roy Fokker, imagine what a KUMQUAT would do to us!!!!" :shock:

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Thu Apr 16, 2015 6:34 pm

taalismn wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:Actually, most genre-savvy who see the Pineapple Salad coming, be going to be eating someplace else as soon as possible...

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on whether you subscribe to superstition or nutrition , pineapple, canned or in any other form, appears to be in scant supply at Ice Guard. This, however, does not prevent an initially high rate of attrition among newbs.

That's true which also leads to major cases of sucrvy among the more Genre-savy Ice Guards who view fruits as a harbringer of doom because of the Pineapple Effect.

"If a pineapple killed Roy Fokker, imagine what a KUMQUAT would do to us!!!!"

So you are saying a Kumquat is much like a tenth generation WMD?

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Apr 16, 2015 7:14 pm

Kargan3033 wrote:[
So you are saying a Kumquat is much like a tenth generation WMD?

No, that would be durian fruit.

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Fri Apr 17, 2015 10:32 am

taalismn wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:[
So you are saying a Kumquat is much like a tenth generation WMD?

No, that would be durian fruit.

Ahh ok, then would you say that the durain fruit is more like a nuclear wepaon or more bio weapon or chem weapon in it's effects?

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Apr 17, 2015 7:53 pm

Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:[
So you are saying a Kumquat is much like a tenth generation WMD?

No, that would be durian fruit.

Ahh ok, then would you say that the durain fruit is more like a nuclear wepaon or more bio weapon or chem weapon in it's effects?

Either way, you're just as dead...

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Fri Apr 17, 2015 10:34 pm

taalismn wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:[
So you are saying a Kumquat is much like a tenth generation WMD?

No, that would be durian fruit.

Ahh ok, then would you say that the durain fruit is more like a nuclear wepaon or more bio weapon or chem weapon in it's effects?

Either way, you're just as dead...

That is true but it's a question of how much pain you feel before you die that is the real issue.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Apr 17, 2015 10:56 pm

"So I heard we got some fresh fruit in the last supply drop! Freshies for once and a happy mess ha-what the HELL is that?!"
"Durian fruit, sir. We got several dozen crates of it."
"...are we supposed to eat it or beat live prey to death with it?"
"All I know, sir, is that it's still banned from public transportation in some Asian countries."
"Oh, THAT's a ringing endorsement..."

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Fri Apr 17, 2015 10:57 pm

taalismn wrote:"So I heard we got some fresh fruit in the last supply drop! Freshies for once and a happy mess ha-what the HELL is that?!"
"Durian fruit, sir. We got several dozen crates of it."
"...are we supposed to eat it or beat live prey to death with it?"
"All I know, sir, is that it's still banned from public transportation in some Asian countries."
"Oh, THAT's a ringing endorsement..."

*Dr.Smith's ears perk up*

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Apr 17, 2015 11:23 pm

Meanwhile:
"So your last assignment was the 37th Deep Submergence Personnel Repository and Oceanographic Survey Platoon?"
"....that is correct."
"And you VOLUNTEERED to come here?"
"...that is also correct."
"What is WRONG with you?"
"...pardon?"
"What is wrong with you that you would volunteer to be transferred he-never mind, I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. Huh? Isn't there a third one of you guys-?"
"...uh, we appear to be missing-"
"BAD FLUFFY! SPIT THAT MAN OUT RIGHT THIS SECOND!!"
"Never mind, found him."
"...Dagon preserve us...!"

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Fri Apr 17, 2015 11:29 pm

taalismn wrote:Meanwhile:
"So your last assignment was the 37th Deep Submergence Personnel Repository and Oceanographic Survey Platoon?"
"....that is correct."
"And you VOLUNTEERED to come here?"
"...that is also correct."
"What is WRONG with you?"
"...pardon?"
"What is wrong with you that you would volunteer to be transferred he-never mind, I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. Huh? Isn't there a third one of you guys-?"
"...uh, we appear to be missing-"
"BAD FLUFFY! SPIT THAT MAN OUT RIGHT THIS SECOND!!"
"Never mind, found him."
"...Dagon preserve us...!"

Commander Jones: " Ahh since you new recurts have had some expernce in deep sea fishing I'm asinging you to the food procurement sqaud, one word of advice don't make too much noise other wise you will attract the Groove Sharks, dismissed. "

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Apr 17, 2015 11:33 pm

"We're to gather seafood?"
"Yes, but I suspect it will be no easy task."
"WE can use the opportunity to slip away!"
"They fish with EXPLOSIVES around here. The monsters of this land do not answer to Dagon. And the skies belong to Ithaca the Windwalker! Escape will be no easy matter!"
"Dagon preserve us!"
"...if you keep saying that, I suspect that before long he will PICKLE us rather than listen to one more asinine request for succor from us."

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Fri Apr 17, 2015 11:35 pm

taalismn wrote:"We're to gather seafood?"
"Yes, but I suspect it will be no easy task."
"WE can use the opportunity to slip away!"
"They fish with EXPLOSIVES around here. The monsters of this land do not answer to Dagon. And the skies belong to Ithaca the Windwalker! Escape will be no easy matter!"
"Dagon preserve us!"
"...if you keep saying that, I suspect that before long he will PICKLE us rather than listen to one more asinine request for succor from us."

*Cue the Jaws music*

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Apr 17, 2015 11:38 pm

Cue Keystone Cops or Benny Hill chase music for the POV from the rest of Ice Guard observing...

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Fri Apr 17, 2015 11:48 pm

taalismn wrote:Cue Keystone Cops or Benny Hill chase music for the POV from the rest of Ice Guard observing...

Ice Guard Trooper 1: " You know there is something *Fishy* about the New Meat. "

Ice Guard Trooper 2: " Oh why do you say that for? "

Ice Guard Trooper 1: " Normally one does not try to outswim a Groove Shark, when confornted with a Groove Shark attack one heads in land as fast as possable. "

Ice Guard Trooper 2: " You right at that, did anyone breif them on the native life forms here, I mean it looks that they are praying to the Norcas for some odd reason. "

Ice Guard Trooper 3: " You think we should tell the Commander about this? "

Ice Guard Trooper 4: " Nah, I think these guys muat have been hanging around The Believer, so this is just what passes for *Normal* around here. "

Ice Guard Trooper 5: " Ya your right about that, since our shift is nearly over, let's call it a day and grab a few hot ones. "

Ice Guard Trooper 2, 3, 4: " Sounds like a plan, let's go."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Apr 17, 2015 11:53 pm

Meanwhile, Recruits 'Bass', 'Trout', and 'Finn' are staring at the fins circling around the rock outcropping they're perched on, alternating looking at them and staring at the shattered or sheared-off equipment poles and harpoons in their hands....

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Sat Apr 18, 2015 12:13 am

taalismn wrote:Meanwhile, Recruits 'Bass', 'Trout', and 'Finn' are staring at the fins circling around the rock outcropping they're perched on, alternating looking at them and staring at the shattered or sheared-off equipment poles and harpoons in their hands....

Ice Guard Trooper 6: " Now we'll see if the New Meat are good enough to be in the Ice Guard. "

Ice Guard Trooper 7: " I bet fifty that they won't use the lawn gnomes as bait to aid in their escape. "

Ice Guard Trooper 8: " I bet fifty that they thow one of their own to the Groove Sharks. "

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:14 pm

Sadly, the mortal remains of Bass, Finn, and Trout would be returned to their home communities in sealed sardine cans.
That in itself was unusual enough, but perhaps even more inexplicable was the fact that they were packed in olive oil, wine sauce, and mustard sauce...

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Sat Apr 18, 2015 10:07 pm

taalismn wrote:Sadly, the mortal remains of Bass, Finn, and Trout would be returned to their home communities in sealed sardine cans.
That in itself was unusual enough, but perhaps even more inexplicable was the fact that they were packed in olive oil, wine sauce, and mustard sauce...

And then the Elder Gods realize that the humans they they thought to be unworthy of any concideration were far more dangerouse they could have imagened in their worst nightmares.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Apr 18, 2015 10:27 pm

Kargan3033 wrote:[

And then the Elder Gods realize that the humans they they thought to be unworthy of any concideration were far more dangerouse they could have imagened in their worst nightmares.

"Dagon fillets? AGAIN?!"

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Sun Apr 19, 2015 12:32 pm

taalismn wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:[

And then the Elder Gods realize that the humans they they thought to be unworthy of any concideration were far more dangerouse they could have imagened in their worst nightmares.

"Dagon fillets? AGAIN?!"

" At lest the Cthulhu cowder is nice. "

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Apr 19, 2015 3:10 pm

Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:[

And then the Elder Gods realize that the humans they they thought to be unworthy of any concideration were far more dangerouse they could have imagened in their worst nightmares.

"Dagon fillets? AGAIN?!"

" At lest the Cthulhu cowder is nice. "

###I AM HASTUR. BEHOLD MY TERRIBLE VISAGE AND GO MAD WITH SUBSERVIENT FEAR, VERMIN###
"*pfeh* I've eaten uglier things than you for breakfast."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Apr 26, 2015 2:55 pm

"What are those guys so worked up about?"
"Spring is coming to the northern hemisphere."
"So? They look like they just got death sentences!"
"They're Ice Guard. After awhile...well, your perceptions get a little warped."
"WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO INVADE FLORIDA!!!"

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sun Apr 26, 2015 6:35 pm

I feel sorry for the bugs around that Genesis Pit in the Everglades.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Apr 26, 2015 8:04 pm

SRoss wrote:I feel sorry for the bugs around that Genesis Pit in the Everglades.

Yeah; having a GLACIER drop in on you wouldn't have been expected(or very fun).

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun May 10, 2015 10:41 pm

"It's confirmed....last pack ice just broke up...we can no longer get to the mainland over the ice...snow coverage is in full retreat..."
"Damn..."
"Well, winter will come again, and this time we'll get all the way to Texas..."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Tue May 12, 2015 2:37 pm

Mutant Polar Bear Riders Ho!

IceGuard's Invasion of Finland

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue May 12, 2015 5:39 pm

SRoss wrote:Mutant Polar Bear Riders Ho!

IceGuard's Invasion of Finland

And beluga whales have been sighted in Rhode Island:
http://wtnh.com/2015/05/11/three-beluga-whales-spotted-in-narragansett-bay-rhode-island/

Hope they don't run into the GPS-tagged great white shark that's racing up the New York coastline.

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Tue Jun 16, 2015 8:35 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:Mutant Polar Bear Riders Ho!

IceGuard's Invasion of Finland

And beluga whales have been sighted in Rhode Island:
http://wtnh.com/2015/05/11/three-beluga-whales-spotted-in-narragansett-bay-rhode-island/

Hope they don't run into the GPS-tagged great white shark that's racing up the New York coastline.

Far out, I wonder if the Ice Guard ever had orders to tag the wildlife up in the arctic.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 10:04 am

Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:[

Far out, I wonder if the Ice Guard ever had orders to tag the wildlife up in the arctic.

The newbie biologists who come up north always come up with that idea...they quickly shelf it with one good glare from the lifersold hands. The ones who decide to do it on their own either don't come back or come back as old hands.

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 10:08 am

taalismn wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:[

Far out, I wonder if the Ice Guard ever had orders to tag the wildlife up in the arctic.

The newbie biologists who come up north always come up with that idea...they quickly shelf it with one good glare from the lifersold hands. The ones who decide to do it on their own either don't come back or come back as old hands.

That is true but at lest there is some good betting down when the newbies decied to go it on their own such as the time of death of the newbie, what ate him and what kind of injures he died from. :twisted:

Talk about worse odds then pre-rain vegas. :twisted:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 10:24 am

And the surviving newbies at first protest such callousness...by the second go-round they're demanding a cut of the take.

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 10:59 am

taalismn wrote:And the surviving newbies at first protest such callousness...by the second go-round they're demanding a cut of the take.

Remeber kids the key to survival is not a matter of the fitest but the most adaptable. :twisted:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 11:12 am

"You sure adapted well to the idea that saving all that expensive equipment you came here with wasn't worth your life."
"The cost of replacing all that gear is coming out of your cut of the pot, mister!"

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 11:21 am

taalismn wrote:"You sure adapted well to the idea that saving all that expensive equipment you came here with wasn't worth your life."
"The cost of replacing all that gear is coming out of your cut of the pot, mister!"

" Damn it how am I going to pay my alamony to the Ex?, oh wait the reason I joined the Ice Guard is to get away from that *****. "

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 11:25 am

Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:"You sure adapted well to the idea that saving all that expensive equipment you came here with wasn't worth your life."
"The cost of replacing all that gear is coming out of your cut of the pot, mister!"

" Damn it how am I going to pay my alamony to the Ex?, oh wait the reason I joined the Ice Guard is to get away from that *****. "

Easy solution; invite your ex and her lawyer(s) up to negotiate in person. The key is in what you omit in the travel details.

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 11:30 am

taalismn wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:"You sure adapted well to the idea that saving all that expensive equipment you came here with wasn't worth your life."
"The cost of replacing all that gear is coming out of your cut of the pot, mister!"

" Damn it how am I going to pay my alamony to the Ex?, oh wait the reason I joined the Ice Guard is to get away from that *****. "

Easy solution; invite your ex and her lawyer(s) up to negotiate in person. The key is in what you omit in the travel details.

Which goes to show that there are some tangable benfits to be sentecned...errr *joining* the Ice Guard.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 11:34 am

"Where is the bastard? He told us to meet him out here in this freezing rotten place, then doesn't have the balls to come out and greAUUUGHHH!!!!"

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 11:46 am

taalismn wrote:"Where is the bastard? He told us to meet him out here in this freezing rotten place, then doesn't have the balls to come out and greAUUUGHHH!!!!"

" I love my job, after all as the old saying goes Revenge is a dish best served *COLD* "

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 11:54 am

"Somehow I thought the lawyers would last longer against the groovesharks..Professional courtesy and all that...Oh well"

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 11:59 am

taalismn wrote:"Somehow I thought the lawyers would last longer against the groovesharks..Professional courtesy and all that...Oh well"

In the raw bloody claw to tooth day to day survival he who hesatates is toast.

" Do unto others before they do unto you. "

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 12:03 pm

Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:"Somehow I thought the lawyers would last longer against the groovesharks..Professional courtesy and all that...Oh well"

In the raw bloody claw to tooth day to day survival he who hisatates is toast.

And he who threatens to sue is effectively hesitating.
"You are being served' takes on a new meaning.

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 12:08 pm

taalismn wrote:
Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:"Somehow I thought the lawyers would last longer against the groovesharks..Professional courtesy and all that...Oh well"

In the raw bloody claw to tooth day to day survival he who hisatates is toast.

And he who threatens to sue is effectively hesitating.
"You are being served' takes on a new meaning.

At lest the Ice Guards won't have to worry about starvation for awhile but one has to wonder if lawyers are considered to be junk food/empty calories.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 12:38 pm

No, IG doesn't touch lawyer. It doesn't settle well.

Kargan3033 · Unread post by **Kargan3033** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 12:41 pm

taalismn wrote:No, IG doesn't touch lawyer. It doesn't settle well.

So basicly the IG uses lawyers as live bait when they go foraging for food?

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 12:52 pm

Kargan3033 wrote:
taalismn wrote:No, IG doesn't touch lawyer. It doesn't settle well.

So basicly the IG uses lawyers as live bait when they go foraging for food?

No, they use them as decoys to get back to safety. Russian troika rules when chased by wolves. Children and lawyers first.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Wed Jun 17, 2015 1:42 pm

taalismn wrote:"Somehow I thought the lawyers would last longer against the groovesharks..Professional courtesy and all that...Oh well"

"That's Music Industry Copyright Lawyers that the Groovesharks are defenseless against..."