RDF/UEDF Siberia Soruce Book Idea(parody)

[SRoss]

"Then what's the animal tranquilizer for?"

[glitterboy2098]

given that arctic and antarctic explorers used to eat butter straight up in order to get the calories and fat to keep the body going in such cold climes, i'm not surprised the ice Guard cafeteria menu's seem odd to outsiders.

[taalismn]

"Then what's the animal tranquilizer for?"

"The morning incident log."

But really it moderates the caffeine powder. Major Jones induces a state of chemical warfare with each cup, then sits back and lets them fight it out while he gets office work done.

[taalismn]

given that arctic and antarctic explorers used to eat butter straight up in order to get the calories and fat to keep the body going in such cold climes, i'm not surprised the ice Guard cafeteria menu's seem odd to outsiders.

Indeed. And high altitude/low temperature peoples like the Nepalese seem to thrive on a diet that includes such atrocities as butter tea(which I've heard described variously as 'yak butter broth').

[taalismn]

"Okay, whose wise idea was it to completely chrome-plate and mirror-shine our GMP Golem?"
"You have to admit, it's pretty effective arctic camouflage!"
"That's beside the point. And the voice alterations?"
"...what's wrong with them?"
"<By Your Command!>"
"...that's what's wrong."

[SRoss]

"Okay, whose wise idea was it to completely chrome-plate and mirror-shine our GMP Golem?"
"You have to admit, it's pretty effective arctic camouflage!"
"That's beside the point. And the voice alterations?"
"...what's wrong with them?"
"<By Your Command!>"
"...that's what's wrong."

At that very moment, an E.B.S.I.S. scout checked his binoculars, looking toward the IceGuard base.

"Very interes..." (Then the sun came out.) "@#$%&!!! I'm blind!!!"

[taalismn]

"Okay, where's Malf?"
"Lost him in the white out."
"...your arctic camouflage is a little TOO good."
"Don't worry; he'll find his way home. He's pretty good at that!"
"Yeah, and in that he's a lot better than eighty percent of the newbies."

[taalismn]

i'm not surprised the ice Guard cafeteria menu's seem odd to outsiders.

Excepting the preternatural ability Ice Guard veterans acquire alerting them to when Srgt. Alvarez is cooking*. There ARE limits to the unorthodoxy(or rather toxicity) of what Ice Guards are willing accept on their menu.

*"Ask yourself this when approaching the cafeteria:
Is there smoke coming from it?
What color is it?
Does it have an odor?
Is the paint in the hallway changing color, cracking, or peeling where the smoke comes in contact with it?
Are any of the NBC environmental alarms outside the cafeteria going off?
Are there any bodies laying motionless outside the cafeteria?
Are there signs of chthonic or elder species in the vicinity of the cafeteria?
Is Doctor Smith's pet anywhere in sight of the cafeteria?
Can Srgt. Alvarez be heard cackling maniacally?
Do you have a sudden inexplicable sensation of your hackles rising and acute anxiety threatening to overwhelm you?
These are all good indications that it would be a good idea to avoid the cafeteria today."

[taalismn]

"Back from the Warm, sir?"
"Uh-huh."
"Incredible surprise, them allowing some of us back down south."
"Uh-huh."
"Miracle, given the way they've treated us in the past."
"Uhm."
"So how'd it go?"
"Eeeeehhhhh-eehhhhh."
"The first time any of us has been allowed south of the Arctic Circle for leave and all you can do is GRUNT?! Where's your bloody excitement?! Where's the happiness?! Where's the joy we can all share in vicariously?! Instead, you trump back looking worse than you did when you left!!! Are you hung over? Disappointed to be back? TELL US WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!"
"..sent us to New Boston."
"Huh?"
"Temperatures below zero. Wind chill factors and forty mile per hour winds. Three story piles of snow and nowhere to put it. Ice everywhere. Power outages. Traffic at a standstill. And more snow on the way."
"Oi?"
"Yeah, just like here."

[SRoss]

Cold Weather Offense Squad: (Hi-fiving themselves) "Suckers!"

[taalismn]

Cold Weather Offense Squad: (Hi-fiving themselves) "Suckers!"

Bah....CWOS's rotation to warmer climes for R&R has made them soft. Ice Guard can easily beat them in snow shovel combat.

[Kargan3033]

Cold Weather Offense Squad: (Hi-fiving themselves) "Suckers!"

Bah....CWOS's rotation to warmer climes for R&R has made them soft. Ice Guard can easily beat them in snow shovel combat.

Dr.Smith: " Just as planed, BWAHAAAAA! "

*Takes a slug of his coffee*

" Hmm, too much Insanity Pepper juice. "

[taalismn]

CWOS Medic: "How the HELL did you wind up with an ice scraper shoved up the wrong end of your gastrointestinal tract...?!"
CWOS Soldier: "...argument with Ice Guard. They insulted us. Called us too hot-headed. Honor had to be served, so we fought them. It was a trap. They sandbagged us."
CWOS Medic: " So you initiated a FIGHT? Over an insult? One you immediately proved to be spot-on?! And you LOST? That's gotta be the dumbest thing I've ever heard! And now I've got to stare at your ugly backside and figure out a way to remove an ICE SCRAPER!""
CWOS Soldier: "...oh please don't let him ask about the snow blower!..."

[Kargan3033]

CWOS Medic: "How the HELL did you wind up with an ice scraper shoved up the wrong end of your gastrointestinal tract...?!"
CWOS Soldier: "...argument with Ice Guard. They insulted us. Called us too hot-headed. Honor had to be served, so we fought them. It was a trap. They sandbagged us."
CWOS Medic: " So you initiated a FIGHT? Over an insult? One you immediately proved to be spot-on?! And you LOST? That's gotta be the dumbest thing I've ever heard! And now I've got to stare at your ugly backside and figure out a way to remove an ICE SCRAPER!""
CWOS Soldier: "...oh please don't let him ask about the snow blower!..."

Nice real nice BTW did you get my e-mail to you with the IG stated out?

[Kargan3033]

I'm starting to think Ice Guard is becoming its own civilization. And also the thought of the infantry having kids too. Oh God they are breeding sociopaths.

RT's version of the Fremen(SP) jacked up on protoculture laced Insanity Peppers and other WMD class mind altering drugs for the EPIC WIN.

[taalismn]

I'm starting to think Ice Guard is becoming its own civilization. And also the thought of the infantry having kids too. Oh God they are breeding sociopaths.

RT's version of the Fremen(SP) jacked up on protoculture laced Insanity Peppers and other WMD class mind altering drugs for the EPIC WIN.

No, you got the spelling right. Yeah, Ice Guard is a classic example of "Okay, whose bright idea was to send all the misfits out of the way, because now they're going to rule the world!?".
Frank Herbert's Dune is a good example of this, and to a lesser extent his Dosadi Experiment.
In my other threads, the Star Nation of Bakalapona(formerly a Golgan Republik planet-sized insane asylum) is another good example of 'why we should never turn our backs on the misfits'.
And in the movie Mystery Men, there's a line showing why it's not a good idea to send crazy physicists to institutes for the criminally insane(because insane supervillains find them good places to pick up information on insane WMDs).

[Kargan3033]

I'm starting to think Ice Guard is becoming its own civilization. And also the thought of the infantry having kids too. Oh God they are breeding sociopaths.

RT's version of the Fremen(SP) jacked up on protoculture laced Insanity Peppers and other WMD class mind altering drugs for the EPIC WIN.

No, you got the spelling right. Yeah, Ice Guard is a classic example of "Okay, whose bright idea was to send all the misfits out of the way, because now they're going to rule the world!?".
Frank Herbert's Dune is a good example of this, and to a lesser extent his Dosadi Experiment.
In my other threads, the Star Nation of Bakalapona(formerly a Golgan Republik planet-sized insane asylum) is another good example of 'why we should never turn our backs on the misfits'.
And in the movie Mystery Men, there's a line showing why it's not a good idea to send crazy physicists to institutes for the criminally insane(because insane supervillains find them good places to pick up information on insane WMDs).

Good point, could you imagen what would happen if the Ice Guard and their crotch spawns manged to get off world, a Jihad of cosmic perportions, the Haydonites would be screwed eighty ways from sunday.

[taalismn]

[Good point, could you imagen what would happen if the Ice Guard and their crotch spawns manged to get off world, a Jihad of cosmic perportions, the Haydonites would be screwed eighty ways from sunday.

The Haydonites have ALREADY gotten a taste of offworld Ice Guard when they mistakenly thought to set up an outpost on Pluto...only to stumble across Ice Guard(whose base camp has been warping between cold places in time/space).
That was pretty much their assessment of their situation as well; "We're screwbarred".

[Kargan3033]

[Good point, could you imagen what would happen if the Ice Guard and their crotch spawns manged to get off world, a Jihad of cosmic perportions, the Haydonites would be screwed eighty ways from sunday.

The Haydonites have ALREADY gotten a taste of offworld Ice Guard when they mistakenly thought to set up an outpost on Pluto...only to stumble across Ice Guard(whose base camp has been warping between cold places in time/space).
That was pretty much their assessment of their situation as well; "We're screwbarred".

Really Heh!, I almost, ALMOST pity the Haydonites, but you mess with Earth/humanity you will get your a$$ kicked one way other another, at lest in the Rt Verse.

[taalismn]

[


Really Heh!, I almost, ALMOST pity the Haydonites, but you mess with Earth/humanity you will get your a$$ kicked one way other another, at lest in the Rt Verse.

Hell, even the Mi-Go have come away from their encounters with Ice Guard shuddering at what Humanity has become.

[Kargan3033]

[


Really Heh!, I almost, ALMOST pity the Haydonites, but you mess with Earth/humanity you will get your a$$ kicked one way other another, at lest in the Rt Verse.

Hell, even the Mi-Go have come away from their encounters with Ice Guard shuddering at what Humanity has become.

Mi-Go?

[taalismn]

[
Mi-Go?

Google H.P. Lovecraft, Mi-Go, and Fungi from Yuggoth.

[Kargan3033]

[
Mi-Go?

Google H.P. Lovecraft, Mi-Go, and Fungi from Yuggoth.

Ahh yes, I do have a book of his works, I just haven't read it in a long time. can you imagen what Dr.Smith would do with H.P.Lovecraft's Re-animator?

[SRoss]

Actually the Old Ones have a song about the IceGuard.

[Kargan3033]

Actually the Old Ones have a song about the IceGuard.

I can't play the video right now, not enough bandweith but I will look into it later, thanks for sharing.

[taalismn]

[
Mi-Go?

Google H.P. Lovecraft, Mi-Go, and Fungi from Yuggoth.

Ahh yes, I do have a book of his works, I just haven't read it in a long time. can you imagen what Dr.Smith would do with H.P.Lovecraft's Re-animator?

Dr. Smith may have flown ala Mi-Go 'brain-inna-jar' spacelines, It would explain SO much about the man.

[Kargan3033]

[
Mi-Go?

Google H.P. Lovecraft, Mi-Go, and Fungi from Yuggoth.

Ahh yes, I do have a book of his works, I just haven't read it in a long time. can you imagen what Dr.Smith would do with H.P.Lovecraft's Re-animator?

Dr. Smith may have flown ala Mi-Go 'brain-inna-jar' spacelines, It would explain SO much about the man.

Now that's just scarry, what if he's a fragment of an Elder God made flesh?

[SRoss]

Actually the Old Ones have a song about the IceGuard.

I can't play the video right now, not enough bandweith but I will look into it later, thanks for sharing.

It's off Groveshark actually.

[Kargan3033]

Actually the Old Ones have a song about the IceGuard.

I can't play the video right now, not enough bandweith but I will look into it later, thanks for sharing.

It's off Groveshark actually.

Groveshark?

Can't say I have heard of that.

[SRoss]

Actually the Old Ones have a song about the IceGuard.

I can't play the video right now, not enough bandweith but I will look into it later, thanks for sharing.

It's off Groveshark actually.

Groveshark?

Can't say I have heard of that.

Early morning mis-type. I meant to say Grooveshark. It's a music sharing site.

[Kargan3033]

Actually the Old Ones have a song about the IceGuard.

I can't play the video right now, not enough bandweith but I will look into it later, thanks for sharing.

It's off Groveshark actually.

Groveshark?

Can't say I have heard of that.

Early morning mis-type. I meant to say Grooveshark. It's a music sharing site.

Ah ok then no worries.

[taalismn]

'Grooveshark' sounds almost like the name of yet ANOTHER arctic mutant...

[Kargan3033]

'Grooveshark' sounds almost like the name of yet ANOTHER arctic mutant...

A mutant great white shark appated to living in the Arctic with a grooved body for greater water/land speed, about six times faster then a Xenomroph and ten times meaner and or hungrer then one.

Grooveshark
Height:12 feet
Length 24 feet
Weight:2400 pounds
Avrage land speed:45 mph with a top speed of 128 mph when boosted
Diet:CARNAVORE!!!!!!!!

The Grooveshark get's it's name for the hydro/aerodynamic grooves in it's body that give the Grooveshark greater water and lands speed then an unmutated great white shark.

The Grooveshark is able to live on both land and water, they hunt in packs that range from four to a recorded four hundred and fifty in a pack/school

Their sense of smell and taste, hearing and sight are many time greater then that of an unmutated great white shark.

The Grooveshark is a cunning predator and it is a well known fact that a pack/school of Groovesharks will ambush large groups of humans and animals until all the animals/humans have been eaten.

With their enhanched senses, snow white flesh and an organic nitro system that greatly boosts their speed both in land and water very few ever see a Grooveshark attack and even fewer live to tell about it as the scent of blood/flesh drives the Grooveshark into a mindless feeding frenzy and when one Grooveshark enters into a feeding frenzy, the rest of the Groovesharks in the pack/school also enter into a feeding frenzy.

The disappernce of the people of villages/towns even small to medume cities have been atributed to an attack of a pack/school of Groovesharks.

[taalismn]

...and the sound of a grooveshark making its attack run sounds remarkably like that of the needle cutting across a vinyl record.

[Kargan3033]

...and the sound of a grooveshark making its attack run sounds remarkably like that of the needle cutting across a vinyl record.

That is interspersed with the cries of bowel wrenching terror from the doomed souls unlucky enough to see the Grooveshark(s) coming for them.

[Kargan3033]

Jones:" Mr.Kyle one thing you should keep in mind while you are doing your tour of duty here in the Ice Guard is that Groovesharks are just misundertood *wonders* of nature, they best way to get along with a Groovesharks is to slowly approch them and rub the spot just behind the fin on their backs. "

[taalismn]

...and the sound of a grooveshark making its attack run sounds remarkably like that of the needle cutting across a vinyl record.

That is interspersed with the cries of bowel wrenching terror from the doomed souls unlucky enough to see the Grooveshark(s) coming for them.

After awhile, though, the IG gets into the habit of hunting them for sharkfin soup...
Of course, by this time, everybody going out is in the habit of wearing armor, and/or carrying a spring-loaded 'jaw-popper' staff(this is like the jaws of life, only it's designed to pop/prop open a predator's jaws from INSIDE).

[Kargan3033]

...and the sound of a grooveshark making its attack run sounds remarkably like that of the needle cutting across a vinyl record.

That is interspersed with the cries of bowel wrenching terror from the doomed souls unlucky enough to see the Grooveshark(s) coming for them.

After awhile, though, the IG gets into the habit of hunting them for sharkfin soup...
Of course, by this time, everybody going out is in the habit of wearing armor, and/or carrying a spring-loaded 'jaw-popper' staff(this is like the jaws of life, only it's designed to pop/prop open a predator's jaws from INSIDE).

Which leads to the Rite Of Manhood for the Ice Guards's kids of bringing back the jaw bones of a Grooveshark from the INSIDE of a Grooveshark with a dull, rusty butter knife and NO armor

[taalismn]

Ice Guard Veteran: "Remember when we used to dare each other to run naked across the courtyard? What IS it with kids these days?!"

[Kargan3033]

Ice Guard Veteran: "Remember when we used to dare each other to run naked across the courtyard? What IS it with kids these days?!"

Well the younger Ice Guards have moved on to bigger, better things, such as using Logans to para-sail through packs/schools of Groovesharks.

[taalismn]

Ice Guard Veteran: "Remember when we used to dare each other to run naked across the courtyard? What IS it with kids these days?!"

Well the younger Ice Guards have moved on to bigger, better things, such as using Logans to para-sail through packs/schools of Groovesharks.

It's practice for shoggoth-teasing.

[Kargan3033]

Ice Guard Veteran: "Remember when we used to dare each other to run naked across the courtyard? What IS it with kids these days?!"

Well the younger Ice Guards have moved on to bigger, better things, such as using Logans to para-sail through packs/schools of Groovesharks.

It's practice for shoggoth-teasing.

Quite right as well as being a fav past time for the older Ice Guard personal in their off time when they are not only saving themselves from one crisis or another but also keep the the Arctic wildlife from moving into warmer areas as a destructive and invasive specises.

Speaking of which I think the Real reason the Regis picked human beings as the ultimit lifeform was the fact that not only have the Ice Guard survived under such deadly condstion but also seem to have prospered fairly well.

[taalismn]

So Ice Guard is becoming the Park Rangers of the Arctic Ecological Quarantine Zone, whether they like it or not?

And yeah, the Regis thinking "Look what $#!+ humans have to put up, yet they keep going!" as the model of why she wants her kids to emulate us...

[Kargan3033]

So Ice Guard is becoming the Park Rangers of the Arctic Ecological Quarantine Zone, whether they like it or not?

Could you imagen the backlog of hazard pay that's due to the Ice Guard because of that, which is the real reason the UEEF/UEG tanked and not because of running out of PC

And yeah, the Regis thinking "Look what $#!+ humans have to put up, yet they keep going!" as the model of why she wants her kids to emulate us...

Which she is now coming to regret, what the Masters could not do(Bring about the destruction of the Invid as they knew them) the Human's did just by being alive.

[taalismn]

So Ice Guard is becoming the Park Rangers of the Arctic Ecological Quarantine Zone, whether they like it or not?

Could you imagen the backlog of hazard pay that's due to the Ice Guard because of that, which is the real reason the UEEF/UEG tanked and not because of running out of PC

They might require Ice Guard to set up a gift shop just to defray the hazardous duty costs....Let out contracts to Tirolian and Sentinels firms to produce plushie bhubhus, norcas, groovesharks, saber-toothed arctic hares, and 'Mutant Ranger Mecha' action figures.

It's like if Devil's Island had a gift shop while it was still an active prison...

[Kargan3033]

So Ice Guard is becoming the Park Rangers of the Arctic Ecological Quarantine Zone, whether they like it or not?

Could you imagen the backlog of hazard pay that's due to the Ice Guard because of that, which is the real reason the UEEF/UEG tanked and not because of running out of PC

They might require Ice Guard to set up a gift shop just to defray the hazardous duty costs....Let out contracts to Tirolian and Sentinels firms to produce plushie bhubhus, norcas, groovesharks, saber-toothed arctic hares, and 'Mutant Ranger Mecha' action figures.

It's like if Devil's Island had a gift shop while it was still an active prison...

Makes you wonder whos the Ice Guards's head of PR/bean counter.

[taalismn]

[
Makes you wonder whos the Ice Guards's head of PR/bean counter.

They got a few 'facemen' who got transferred to Ice Guard, pre-Time Skip, for running rackets and con-games that burnt/embarrassed a few higher-ups. Of course, some of the licensing permissions got forged by some of Ice Guard's 'other talents', with rather draconian supervision by their colleagues to make sure old habits like having the profits go to the forgers didn't re-surface now that Ice Guard is communicating meaningfully with the outside world again.

[Kargan3033]

[
Makes you wonder whos the Ice Guards's head of PR/bean counter.

They got a few 'facemen' who got transferred to Ice Guard, pre-Time Skip, for running rackets and con-games that burnt/embarrassed a few higher-ups. Of course, some of the licensing permissions got forged by some of Ice Guard's 'other talents', with rather draconian supervision by their colleagues to make sure old habits like having the profits go to the forgers didn't re-surface now that Ice Guard is communicating meaningfully with the outside world again.

Unamed Ice Guard Bussinesman:" Yes the document is perfectly *Legal*, just sign on the dotted line. "

Sleezy,Shifty UEG Governer:" I don't know, this deal seems to be horribly unblanced in your favour. "

* Unamed Ice Guard Bussines Man snaps his fingers *

* The loud, unsettling sound of a needle being slowly dragged across a vinyl record *

Sleezy, Shifty UEG Governer:" What was that?! "

Unnamed Ice Guard Bussinesman:" That was the sound of a Grooveshark feeding, consider yourself *Divorced* and unless you want your teenage daughter being a test subject for a multi-generational, mutagenic breeding exsperment you WILL sign on the dotted line. "

Sleezy, Shifty UEG Governer:

[taalismn]

"The Ice Guard Young Peoples' Leadership and Evolutionary Advancement Internship Program".

[Kargan3033]

"The Ice Guard Young Peoples' Leadership and Evolutionary Advancement Internship Program".

Dr.Smith:" Remember kids Adapabilty is not only the key to good leadership but also survival so take your protoculture suplaments regulaerly "