RDF/UEDF Siberia Soruce Book Idea(parody)

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sat Dec 19, 2015 9:00 pm

Jones: "Why is an Invid Overlord chucking snowballs at the Gura Hive?"

Federoff: (Shrugs and drinks his vodka)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Dec 20, 2015 2:58 pm

"Mister Tollivar, you're EARLY for your duty shift. I'd have thought you'd be late, on account of a warm bed."
"Actually, sir, it's the fact that I get more sleep ON duty, than OFF it...I just said that out loud, didn't I?"

(Tollivar's arctic mutation may be Insane Endurance and the ability to consciously reset his circadian rhythms, the latter of which would be VERY handy in a place like Ice Guard, what with six-month-long nights and days)

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Mon Dec 21, 2015 3:36 pm

Meanwhile, On the Perimeter...

IceGuard & E.B.S.I.S. battle it out

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Mon Dec 21, 2015 4:38 pm

SRoss wrote:Meanwhile, On the Perimeter...

IceGuard & E.B.S.I.S. battle it out

Chief Toombs: "If I disguise myself as a penguin, nobody would notice me..."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Dec 21, 2015 9:13 pm

Arnie100 wrote:
SRoss wrote:Meanwhile, On the Perimeter...

IceGuard & E.B.S.I.S. battle it out

Chief Toombs: "If I disguise myself as a penguin, nobody would notice me..."

(English) "What's a penguin doing at the North Pole?"
(Russian) "It's obviously a deadly dangerous mutant!! KILL IT BEFORE IT KILLS US ALL!!"
"Uh-oh...." :shock:

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Tue Dec 22, 2015 12:22 am

Chief Toombs: :shock:

"This is not good..." (Deciding to make a run for it)
"IT'S GETTING AWAY!!!"
"Vzorvat' yego!" (Translated from Russian: "Blast it!)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Dec 22, 2015 7:05 pm

THat's when the EBSIS accidentally blast themselves an ice floe...with them in the center...
<"Uh-oh...">

Ice Guard Soldier: "Okay, do we help them for helping us blast that 'Thing' freak just now, or do we laugh ourselves ####less at their predicament?"
"Laugh first, then we help them. They'd do the same if it was us on that iceberg. <RIGHT?> "
<" HELL YEAH WE WOULD!">
<"Shut UP, Buttinsky!"> "No! WE would NOT make comedy of terrible personal danger of capitalist minion-scum!-I mean, fellow soldiers of Earth!"
"I'd almost believe you if you hadn't been cackling madly when your patrol tried to drop that avalanche on us last week, Snearkovski!"
<"DRAT! You identified me!">

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Dec 27, 2015 10:02 pm

Major Jones: "Oh...for crying out...what the HELL are those things?!" :badbad:

(from atop the first of the two battered AT-ATs that have walked into the base)"Is impressive, no? Is latest EBSIS mecha of this era! We capture! Spoils of war, no?"

For his part, for the rest of his days until his assassination by a rival Imperial warlord, General Veers refused to talk of an eighty minute gap in the records of his campaign on Hoth, refusing to say anything of what happened to his command vehicle.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Dec 28, 2015 11:00 pm

"Minnesota's looking nice this time of year, isn't it?"
"Minnesota? I'm holding out that we can reach Miami this winter!"

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Mon Dec 28, 2015 11:08 pm

taalismn wrote:"Minnesota's looking nice this time of year, isn't it?"
"Minnesota? I'm holding out that we can reach Miami this winter!"

"As long as it isn't like the Last Island we went to..."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Dec 29, 2015 6:56 pm

SRoss wrote:[

"As long as it isn't like the Last Island we went to..."

Pretty fair rendition of how others feel when they encounter Ice Guard's IceBerg in the ocean....

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Tue Dec 29, 2015 7:07 pm

"Why can't we go someplace nice...like Hawaii?"
"You're in the Ice Guard. You don't deserve nice."
:sad:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Dec 29, 2015 7:46 pm

Arnie100 wrote:"Why can't we go someplace nice...like Hawaii?"
"You're in the Ice Guard. You don't deserve nice."

"I said 'nice', not ICE!!!"
"Failed to carefully read your transfer assignment orders before you got the plane, did you?"

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Wed Dec 30, 2015 7:36 pm

"Someplace tropical and WARM, like...Tahiti, Bermuda..."
"You're permamently stuck here."
"Well, that sucks."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Dec 30, 2015 11:23 pm

Arnie100 wrote:"Someplace tropical and WARM, like...Tahiti, Bermuda..."
"You're permamently stuck here."
"Well, that sucks."

"No, it freezes solid here. Your boots are cold-welded to the tarmac grid. We're going to have to cut you free."
"Norca alert."
" You're on your own."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Thu Dec 31, 2015 12:48 am

taalismn wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:"Someplace tropical and WARM, like...Tahiti, Bermuda..."
"You're permamently stuck here."
"Well, that sucks."

"No, it freezes solid here. Your boots are cold-welded to the tarmac grid. We're going to have to cut you free."
"Norca alert."
" You're on your own."

"Another case of Darwinism in action. Can't interfere though. It's nature's way."

"What! Wait! GET ME OUTTA HERE KAIKI WEARING AUZZY!"

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Thu Dec 31, 2015 2:54 pm

"So what happens to him if there's...I dunno, a blizzard?"
"Then we'll have our very own Frosty the Snowman."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Dec 31, 2015 10:07 pm

"Nice fireworks you got up here to celebrate New Years'."
"That's the aurora, actually."
"Still pretty..."
"That it is...that it is..."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Fri Jan 01, 2016 1:00 am

"I think I just saw a flaming Edwards go by..." :shock:

"You need more Vodka."
"Yes, please."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri Jan 01, 2016 1:08 am

Arnie100 wrote:"I think I just saw a flaming Edwards go by..."
"You need more Vodka."
"Yes, please."

"Please remember on all official paperwork, it's not Vodka, it deicing agent M-43..."

"and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jan 01, 2016 8:20 pm

SRoss wrote:
Arnie100 wrote:"I think I just saw a flaming Edwards go by..."
"You need more Vodka."
"Yes, please."

"Please remember on all official paperwork, it's not Vodka, it deicing agent M-43..."

"This is why smoking is not a more common addiction up here..."
"Besides the difficulty obtaining tobacco?"
"Yes, spontaneous combustion tends to have a rather dramatic effect on efforts to quit."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Jan 02, 2016 9:05 pm

One of the ways the (Red Commie) EBSIS gave their men incentive to attack Ice Guard was to cut off their vodka supply...Forced with the choice of either going several hundred miles back to warmer climes just to be sent back or shot, or going a few miles to raid Ice Guard for boozeantifreeze...well...

" HEROIC PROLETARIAT!!!! ATTACK THE IMPERIALIST CAPITALISTS WHO HOARD PRECIOUS DRINK OF LIFE!!!! ATTACK NOW!!! BEFOR WE STIFFEN AND FREEZE!!!!""

"What the HELL are they yelling about over there?"
"Dunno? Another shot of spud juice in the maybe-coffee?"
"Please. I can still taste last night's meatloaf..."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Sat Jan 02, 2016 9:06 pm

"He needs more M-43..."
"Da. Please pass over."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Jan 02, 2016 9:10 pm

"Just don't stand too close to the open drum fire."
"No spit-takes into fire either."
"Da, is waste of good liquor."
"I was thinking more of a waste of good newbies, but that works better."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Jan 03, 2016 10:52 pm

Skeeter-Boots

"ROGUE SKEETER! ROGUE SKEE-never mind, the control tower stopped his jump. Can we get a ladder up to him or are we going to have to rappel from the top down to him?"

Skeeter-Boots were a fad with Ice Guard when their foraging teams managed to scavenge a number of sets of Tirolian Rocket Boots from wrecked Masters' craft. Without any veteran Triumvirate clones with an proficiency in the exotic footwear to show them, Ice Guard's trials with the boots proved spectacular failures. The boots were excellent for flying over short obstacles, but upon landing, the retro-blasts tended to melt underlying snow and ice. Landing on slopes resulted in immediate loss of footing and a slide down the remaining slope. Landing on open ice often resulted in landing in a quickly refreezing puddle. And at least one unfortunate landing on thin sea ice resulted in the jumper dropping into the water below. Somewhat better success was to be found by affixing skis and modifying the boots' jets to a horizontal positioning, but this now placed the burden of braking on the wearer's ankles, and a number of sprains and cracks were recorded, as well as several dislocated pelvises, after less-than-perfectly-executed sliding stops.
Finally, Major Jones called a halt to general access to the skeeter-boots until a safer certification regimen could be developed, Both original model rocket boots and ski-equipped skeeters are still available for special missions, provided they are used carefully. Occasionally, however, accidents still happen.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Sun Jan 03, 2016 11:50 pm

"About your boots. It turns out sir, that because of the fuel shortage, we ended up fueling yours with something Alvires whipped up."

Jones:

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Mon Jan 04, 2016 2:06 am

SRoss wrote:"About your boots. It turns out sir, that because of the fuel shortage, we ended up fueling yours with something Alvires whipped up."

Jones:

"More M-43, Sir? You know it fixes. EVERYTHING."
"Except stupid.'

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Jan 04, 2016 8:55 pm

Kargan3033 wrote:[
Unnamed Ice Guard Bussinesman:" That was the sound of a Grooveshark feeding, consider yourself *Divorced* and unless you want your teenage daughter being a test subject for a multi-generational, mutagenic breeding exsperment you WILL sign on the dotted line. "

Sleezy, Shifty UEG Governer:

(In nearby room, two Ice Guard Goons are standing around the Sleezy, Shifty UEG Governer’s Daughter, listening to the audio feed)
Sleezy, Shifty UEG Governor’s Daughter: “...ah...’breeding’....that means....ah...s-sex?”
Ice Guard Goon 1: “Yep, that is implied.”
Ice Guard Goon 2: “Even with cloning, the Tirolians understood the importance of sex for ‘multi-generational’ experiments. So, yes, we’re talking about sex.”
SSUEGGD: “Good.”
IGG1: “Weren’t you...fully dressed just a moment ago?” :-?

SSUEGGD: “Is it important?”
IGG2: “I don’t recall seeing your underwear on the other side of the room either...”
IGG1: “Never mind about that...where are OUR clothes?!” :-?

IGG2: “Why is OUR underwear on the other side of the room?” :eek:

SSUEGGD: “ Just previewing what I’ll be working with.”
IGG1: :shock:

“Okay, this is not in the plan.”
IGG2: :shock:

“Ma’am, ‘breeding experiment’ was -”
SSUEGGD: “Oh please! Daddy, if he’s even my biological father, expects me to live like a nun until he can marry me off to some feckless political ally, and Mommy Dearest saw me as a crimp to her latest affair...usually with one of MY boyfriends! Now, am I expected to wait until you unpack me at your Evil Lair or can we get started on some experimentation right now!?”
IGG1: :shock:

“I don’t know if I should be cheering right now, or opt for being utterly terrified...”
IGG2: :shock:

“This is an abnormal normal state of affairs for us...”

Major Jones: “Why didn’t I meet somebody like that way back then?”
Federoff: “You did, but her daddy wasn’t a weak spineless Sleezy, Shifty UEG Governer.”

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Wed Jan 06, 2016 3:14 pm

"Let me get this strait, two members of IceGuard are charging Moran's daughter with SEXUAL ASSUALT!!!"

"Can we just transfer them somewhere remote?"

"They're already in IceGuard..."

"I see your point."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jan 06, 2016 5:36 pm

"Moran's charging us with corrupting his daughter....sir, this would be easier if you weren't laughing so hard."

"President Moran, you can't charge them."
"AND WHY NOT?!"
"Technically they don't exist."
"WHAT?!"
"Ice Guard technically doesn't exist as a formation of the UEG military."
"What?! Are they classified as secret?!"
"No, if you recall, way back in 2015 you and the Council quietly had them erased from official records, so nobody could verify its existence and thus subpeona anybody sent there. You can't bring charges against a unit that officially doesn't exist without publicly admitting that they DO."
"...right...Damn! Bit we can charge then as individuals!"
"No...they officially ceased to exist when they were sent to Ice Guard. Same problem."
"...outsmarted ourselves..." :frust:

Chronicler · Unread post by **Chronicler** » Wed Jan 06, 2016 6:25 pm

taalismn wrote:"Moran's charging us with corrupting his daughter....sir, this would be easier if you weren't laughing so hard."

"President Moran, you can't charge them."
"AND WHY NOT?!"
"Technically they don't exist."
"WHAT?!"
"Ice Guard technically doesn't exist as a formation of the UEG military."
"What?! Are they classified as secret?!"
"No, if you recall, way back in 2015 you and the Council quietly had them erased from official records, so nobody could verify its existence and thus subpeona anybody sent there. You can't bring charges against a unit that officially doesn't exist without publicly admitting that they DO."
"...right...Damn! Bit we can charge then as individuals!"
"No...they officially ceased to exist when they were sent to Ice Guard. Same problem."
"...outsmarted ourselves..."

"Actually we classified them as K.I.A."
"We can reinstate them right?"
"Sorry Mr. President, we can't do that. It'd draw too much attention on what we did. If it get's out to public what Ice Guard is we are done for."
"Phf, what would the public do anyways? I can still buy the election like I always have."
"Two word. French. Revelation."
"That and our military will turn against us."
:shock:

"Well damn."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jan 06, 2016 8:38 pm

Chronicler wrote:[
"Two word. French. Revelation."
"That and our military will turn against us."
"Well damn."

French..Revolution? :-D

If that's not the case, Moran's own incompetent staff will do him in before the crowds....
"Did you take care of that problem assistant I mentioned, Lacklee?"
"Taken care of, sir! Got him on the midnight express to the end of the Earth! He's freezing his bullocks off as we speak!!"
"You snet him to..."
"Yessir!"
"...you idiot! He knows too much about the people who know too much and you sent him to THEM!? You were supposed to KILL him! I mean....permanently retire him!"
"Sir?"
"Spiitle, you're promoted. Get rid of Mr. Lacklee here. No, don't exile him! I mean, remove him in actual physical and medical definition from the land of the living. Can YOU get that right?!"
"Got it!" #BANG!#
"...preferably somewhere where I can't be connected to it...like by gunpowder residue or blood splatter."
"Sorry, sir. Wanted to show you the job was done RIGHT."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Thu Jan 07, 2016 12:33 pm

Moran should take lessons from THIS guy.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jan 07, 2016 6:48 pm

SRoss wrote:Moran should take lessons from THIS guy.

My gripe with that movie: 'Diplomatic Immunity' makes for poor anti-bullet armor. After arranging for the virtual elimination of an entire LAPD taskforce as well as several of his own staff members, the guy stupidly expects that that the two cops are going to be stopped by him waving his diplomatic credentials? Seriously? The only logical explanation I could find for that was that it was all in Murtagh's head, imagining the guy would escape prosecution if he didn't put him down in the heat of the moment.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri Jan 08, 2016 3:52 pm

Moran: "What!!! Sports Illustrated wants to shoot their Bikini Special - Women of the UEG at the IceGuard base!!! I thought you said no one knows they exist!?!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jan 08, 2016 4:13 pm

SRoss wrote:Moran: "What!!! Sports Illustrated wants to shoot their Bikini Special - Women of the UEG at the IceGuard base!!! I thought you said no one knows they exist!?!"

"Apparently they found a work-around advertising themselves as an 'exotic getaway location'.

"What's this with a required inoculation? It's too cold for malarial mosquitos up north, isn't it?"
"We're not sure WHAT the mosquitos we get up here carry, aside from small animals and away. This is just genetic anti-freeze."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri Jan 08, 2016 4:30 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:Moran: "What!!! Sports Illustrated wants to shoot their Bikini Special - Women of the UEG at the IceGuard base!!! I thought you said no one knows they exist!?!"

"Apparently they found a work-around advertising themselves as an 'exotic getaway location'.

"What's this with a required inoculation? It's too cold for malarial mosquitos up north, isn't it?"
"We're not sure WHAT the mosquitos we get up here carry, aside from small animals and away. This is just genetic anti-freeze."

Celsias: "So, what is this bikini thing you speak of?"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jan 08, 2016 4:35 pm

SRoss wrote:[

Celsias: "So, what is this bikini thing you speak of?"

"This."
"Could you hold it up? I'm not seeing it. Oh...you ARE holding it up."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Fri Jan 08, 2016 11:23 pm

Lt. Darklith: "Remember girls. Two thongs don't make a right." :lol:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Jan 09, 2016 8:23 pm

SRoss wrote:Lt. Darklith: "Remember girls. Two thongs don't make a right."

"You've been here long enough to know we stick punsters headfirst down an ice-fishing hole."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Tue Jan 12, 2016 4:16 pm

A conning tower rises through the ice...

Deep One Watch Officer: (Observing the photo shoot through binoculars) "HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jan 12, 2016 6:04 pm

SRoss wrote:A conning tower rises through the ice...

Deep One Watch Officer: (Observing the photo shoot through binoculars) "HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!!"

This is just before they collide with a Russian submarine that THOUGHT they were cruising off Nantucket...

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Tue Jan 12, 2016 6:28 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:A conning tower rises through the ice...

Deep One Watch Officer: (Observing the photo shoot through binoculars) "HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!!"

This is just before they collide with a Russian submarine that THOUGHT they were cruising off Nantucket...

And don't forget the attack by the P-40 and an M-3 Lee.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jan 12, 2016 6:37 pm

SRoss wrote:
taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:A conning tower rises through the ice...

Deep One Watch Officer: (Observing the photo shoot through binoculars) "HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!!"

This is just before they collide with a Russian submarine that THOUGHT they were cruising off Nantucket...

And don't forget the attack by the P-40 and an M-3 Lee.

The M-3 crashed thru the ice and landed hard on the sub's stern deck, getting tangled in the towed sonar array gear.
The P-40 got eaten by an Arctic Roc.

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Tue Jan 12, 2016 7:16 pm

taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:
taalismn wrote:
SRoss wrote:A conning tower rises through the ice...

Deep One Watch Officer: (Observing the photo shoot through binoculars) "HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!! HOLLYWOOD!!!"

This is just before they collide with a Russian submarine that THOUGHT they were cruising off Nantucket...

And don't forget the attack by the P-40 and an M-3 Lee.

The M-3 crashed thru the ice and landed hard on the sub's stern deck, getting tangled in the towed sonar array gear.
The P-40 got eaten by an Arctic Roc.

John Belushi: (Climbing on top of the Roc) "This is Captain Wild Bill Kelso! I'm commandeering this bird in the name of National security!" (Dives the Roc on the two subs with a pistol firing in each hand)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jan 12, 2016 7:36 pm

Ice Guard Trooper 1: "I know this is a stupid question especially for here, but 'WHAT is THAT?"

"
Ice Guard Trooper 2: " Something we are NOT getting involved in. :roll:

"
(Some two thousand years earlier, in a land called Palestine, in the Palace of Herod, two Roman centurions, watching the similarly-clad but variously-named intruding gangs of locals laying into each other with great viciousness, sigh at the inanity of it all, and wonder if any army previous to them has, or after them will, deal with any such circumstances of sheer stupidity).

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Tue Jan 12, 2016 9:59 pm

Back in our time, two IceGuard Troopers sigh and watch as the Gura and various mutant wildlife circle two burning subs and a Roc sticking out of the ice.

Steve Irwin: "Don't be sad, I know it looks horrible but it's just nature's way."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jan 13, 2016 12:07 am

"And sometimes, instead of slow evolution, Nature takes a quantum leap."
"....You quoting Wilson?"
"Xavier, actually. Professor Xavier."

SRoss · Unread post by **SRoss** » Wed Jan 13, 2016 1:36 pm

Later The Deep Ones, Russians and Kelso are drinking in the bar.

IceGuard Newbe: "Aren't you guys dead?"

Capt. Morgan: "Um, Tape delay!"

Russian Captain: "Er, sunspots!"

Kelso smashes a bottle of M-43 on the the back of the Newbe's head...

Capt. Morgan: (Helping the Russian lift the body) "Good thing they keep a hole in the ice at the back of the bar for these situations."

Arnie100 · Unread post by **Arnie100** » Wed Jan 13, 2016 3:27 pm

SRoss wrote:Back in our time, two IceGuard Troopers sigh and watch as the Gura and various mutant wildlife circle two burning subs and a Roc sticking out of the ice.

Steve Irwin: "Don't be sad, I know it looks horrible but it's just nature's way."

Steve Irwin: "Aren't they beautiful? Aren't they gorgeous?"
Sub Crews: :shock:

Sub Crew Member #1: "HE'S NUTS!" :eek:

Sub Crew Member #2: "Isn't he dead?"