RDF/UEDF Siberia Soruce Book Idea(parody)

[Kargan3033]

..And thus Ice Guard secured a steady supply of potable beer as ransom/dividend...

Given that after the events of SC that the Ice Guard could be considered to be the only super power on earth when it comes to mecha, resources and man power they can more then back up their clam to all of Canada, besides would you really want to get into a land war with three generations of semi pychotic sociopaths with a grudge towards the powers that be?

I thought not.

[taalismn]

..And thus Ice Guard secured a steady supply of potable beer as ransom/dividend...

Given that after the events of SC that the Ice Guard could be considered to be the only super power on earth when it comes to mecha, resources and man power they can more then back up their clam to all of Canada, besides would you really want to get into a land war with three generations of semi pychotic sociopaths with a grudge towards the powers that be?

I thought not.

"Were those glaciers there yesterday, honey? I don't remember any being there before...especially in JULY!"

[Kargan3033]

..And thus Ice Guard secured a steady supply of potable beer as ransom/dividend...

Given that after the events of SC that the Ice Guard could be considered to be the only super power on earth when it comes to mecha, resources and man power they can more then back up their clam to all of Canada, besides would you really want to get into a land war with three generations of semi pychotic sociopaths with a grudge towards the powers that be?

I thought not.

"Were those glaciers there yesterday, honey? I don't remember any being there before...especially in JULY!"

*Cue The Imperial March*

[taalismn]

*Cue The Imperial March*

Hell, there WAS that 'Hoth' incident when Ice Guard got REALLY lost.
The IG got some nice trophy helmets to add to the messhall walls.
For their part, the Snowtroopers fought each other for the 'privilege' of reporting their failure to Darth Vader. The WINNER got to make the personal report.

[Kargan3033]

*Cue The Imperial March*

Hell, there WAS that 'Hoth' incident when Ice Guard got REALLY lost.
The IG got some nice trophy helmets to add to the messhall walls.
For their part, the Snowtroopers fought each other for the 'privilege' of reporting their failure to Darth Vader. The WINNER got to make the personal report.

Now that would have been a battle to have seen, imagen the rebel scum got caught in the middle of that snow up.

[taalismn]

[

Now that would have been a battle to have seen, imagen the rebel scum got caught in the middle of that snow up.

"Close air support and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart!"

-From Howard Tayler's The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

[Kargan3033]

[

Now that would have been a battle to have seen, imagen the rebel scum got caught in the middle of that snow up.

"Close air support and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart!"

-From Howard Tayler's The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Hmm sounds like an intresting read.

[taalismn]

[
Hmm sounds like an intresting read.

My two favorite(regularly read) sci-fi webcomics are Schlock Mercenary(Space Opera-comedy) and FreeFall(hard sci-fi/ethics comedy).
Escape from Terra was another, while it was free-posted, but the uber-liberal society could sometimes get annoying if you're more grimdark or pessimistic about human nature(the space colonists are all free-market cowboys, while Terrans are arrogant regulation-happy conservatives).

[Kargan3033]

[
Hmm sounds like an intresting read.

My two favorite(regularly read) sci-fi webcomics are Schlock Mercenary(Space Opera-comedy) and FreeFall(hard sci-fi/ethics comedy).
Escape from Terra was another, while it was free-posted, but the uber-liberal society could sometimes get annoying if you're more grimdark or pessimistic about human nature(the space colonists are all free-market cowboys, while Terrans are arrogant regulation-happy conservatives).

Nice!, I do remember reading FreeFall a long time ago, I'll have to consider looking it up again as well as the two other web comics you have mentioned once I'm doing reading the RT fan fics you told me about.

[taalismn]

Yee-hah! Ashes of Empire starts heating up as first shots are fired between the Zentraedi factions! Named characters start dying!
"Ah...aren't Zentraedi noncom uniforms RED?!"
"I think so..."
"Uh-oh.."
"Ah, guys, that's a micronian cultural reference. We know NOTHING about them at this point! Quit straining the Fourth Wall!"
"Okay, right."
"Sorry."
"Can we at least allude to our hopes for some future sexual tension?"
"I think that's built into the story."
"Ah...fanservice?"
"Already had some...Meltraedi bunkroom, remember?"
"Doesn't count. We're talking about ogle-fodder here.."
"...don't...push.... it..."
"Okay! Okay! Okay!"

[SRoss]

"Next up, the long awaited ROBOTECH: IceGuard Bikini Special!"

[taalismn]

"Next up, the long awaited ROBOTECH: IceGuard Bikini Special!"

"NO, LEESA! IT'S NOT OUTDOORS!!!!!"

[Kargan3033]

"Next up, the long awaited ROBOTECH: IceGuard Bikini Special!"

"NO, LEESA! IT'S NOT OUTDOORS!!!!!"

It' goes without saying that her bikini is made of heating pads.

[taalismn]

"Next up, the long awaited ROBOTECH: IceGuard Bikini Special!"

"NO, LEESA! IT'S NOT OUTDOORS!!!!!"

It' goes without saying that her bikini is made of heating pads.

You better have some serious juice running into those heating pads, then, to defeat a good rip-roaring Ice Guard winter.
And even if you do, this only raises the specter of, not the cold getting you, but accidental electrocution.

Hence, why 'electric speedos are BANNED by surgeon's decree at Ice Guard.

[SRoss]

Hence, why 'electric speedos are BANNED by surgeon's decree at Ice Guard.

Yeah, wouldn't want to be writing THAT death notice. There is just no way to tell parents that it took 36 hours to for the surgeon to bring down their son's woody.

[Kargan3033]

"Next up, the long awaited ROBOTECH: IceGuard Bikini Special!"

"NO, LEESA! IT'S NOT OUTDOORS!!!!!"

It' goes without saying that her bikini is made of heating pads.

You better have some serious juice running into those heating pads, then, to defeat a good rip-roaring Ice Guard winter.
And even if you do, this only raises the specter of, not the cold getting you, but accidental electrocution.

Hence, why 'electric speedos are BANNED by surgeon's decree at Ice Guard.

Good point, needless to say that was another *Revolting* idea that was scrapped right quick.

[taalismn]

Good point, needless to say that was another *Revolting* idea that was scrapped right quick.

"But he sure lit up pretty that one time. Festive even."
"Provided his own music...like wailing electronic synthesizer New Age."
"He was pretty steamed afterwards."
"And crispy too."
"Good thing norca like their meat RAW, not cooked."

[Kargan3033]

Good point, needless to say that was another *Revolting* idea that was scrapped right quick.

"But he sure lit up pretty that one time. Festive even."
"Provided his own music...like wailing electronic synthesizer New Age."
"He was pretty steamed afterwards."
"And crispy too."
"Good thing norca like their meat RAW, not cooked."

Let me guess he was the Electornic Warfare Officer?

[taalismn]

"So, what's that?"
"Letter from family, Federof."
"One got through the censors?"
"Yep."
"Wait, you have family ...I mean family that are free and loose...aside from your brother?"
"This letter's from my cousin. He's a squid. That is, he's in the Navy."
"I didn't think there were cephalopods in your family bloodline."
"Har-har-har. Remind me to remove those H.P. Lovecraft books from our library. I hear one more 'Mountains of Madness' joke..."
"So, what are the odds we'll eventually see your cousin transferred here?"
"Double hardehar-har. No, if anything, my serving as negative example has had an effect on the rest of the family; my cousin is in a respectable unit of the military, proud in tradition, and walking, or rather sailing, the straight and narrow. The Navy takes care of its own."
"I'll have a glass of whatever you've been drinking..."

[Kargan3033]

"So, what's that?"
"Letter from family, Federof."
"One got through the censors?"
"Yep."
"Wait, you have family ...I mean family that are free and loose...aside from your brother?"
"This letter's from my cousin. He's a squid. That is, he's in the Navy."
"I didn't think there were cephalopods in your family bloodline."
"Har-har-har. Remind me to remove those H.P. Lovecraft books form our library. I hear one more 'Mountains of Madness' joke..."
"So, what are the odds we'll eventually see your cousin transferred here?"
"Double hardehar-har. No, if anything, my serving as negative example has had an effect on the rest of the family; my cousin is in a respectable unit of the military, proud in tradition, and walking, or rather sailing, the straight and narrow. The Navy takes care of its own."
"I'll have a glass of whatever you've been drinking..."

Oh I can just imagen what his family dinners would be like.

[taalismn]

The 37th can lose one or more of their SLBMs accidentally firing them up through the ice when they are temporarily assigned to navigating under the polar ice cap.
THis can result in an adventure where Ice Guard frantically tries to defuse a MIRV busload of thermonuclear warheads crashed on the edge of their island/compound. Since the missile and its warheads are pre-Rain Russian or French, it's not immediately apparent that it was a UEDF/ASC-flagged launch platform that fired the missile...

[Kargan3033]

The 37th can lose one or more of their SLBMs accidentally firing them up through the ice when they are temporarily assigned to navigating under the polar ice cap.
THis can result in an adventure where Ice Guard frantically tries to defuse a MIRV busload of thermonuclear warheads crashed on the edge of their island/compound. Since the missile and its warheads are pre-Rain Russian or French, it's not immediately apparent that it was a UEDF/ASC-flagged launch platform that fired the missile...

Good point but if the IG can salvage the nukes they could make quite a bit of chump change by selling them on the gray/black market, one the other hand give that both the IG and the 37th have been black balled by the UEG they might see themselves as having common cause and work thogether to survive and thrive and given that there are members of the Jones's family in both the IG and the 37th they might be able to come to an understanding as both members of the Jones's family work together or it could be that both members of the Jones's family hate one another or that Davey thought that Alex was lost which would lead to an intresting family reuion.

[taalismn]

OR...All of the above. The IG sells the 37th their own nukes....The 37th can't report the IG as WMD blackmarketeers because then tbey'd have to produce the nukes, which would require revealing that they'd lost their nukes in the first place.
And yeah, the Jones cycle through love/hate cycles, usually because family keeps dragging family into trouble....a long history of Joneses on the wrong side of the law holing up in other family members' houses(which are subsequently destroyed in the ensuing police shootouts), supposedly 'solid' investments(like sinkhole real estate). and truly FANTASTIC sctewups(like when the OTHER Joneses send them those ancient artifacts for safekeeping...and the next they know, they're facing revived eldritch horrors).

[Kargan3033]

OR...All of the above. The IG sells the 37th their own nukes....The 37th can't report the IG as WMD blackmarketeers because then tbey'd have to produce the nukes, which would require revealing that they'd lost their nukes in the first place.
And yeah, the Jones cycle through love/hate cycles, usually because family keeps dragging family into trouble....a long history of Joneses on the wrong side of the law holing up in other family members' houses(which are subsequently destroyed in the ensuing police shootouts), supposedly 'solid' investments(like sinkhole real estate). and truly FANTASTIC sctewups(like when the OTHER Joneses send them those ancient artifacts for safekeeping...and the next they know, they're facing revived eldritch horrors).

Let's face these are The Jones NO ONE wants to keep up with.

[taalismn]

[

Let's face these are The Jones NO ONE wants to keep up with.

It stands to reason that if you have members like Doctor 'Indiana' Jones pumping up the name, there's gotta be those who balance the karma by going in the opposite direction.

[Kargan3033]

[

Let's face these are The Jones NO ONE wants to keep up with.

It stands to reason that if you have members like Doctor 'Indiana' Jones pumping up the name, there's gotta be those who balance the karma by going in the opposite direction.

That is quite true.

[taalismn]

Things Likely to be Heard Around Ice Guard:

"Yep, still snowing."

"Yep, I'm still here."

"Damn, JUST missed spring!"

"Thaw me some coffee-substitute, willya?"

"I thought that newbie would last longer....that was, what? Fifteen seconds from disembarking to getting eaten already?"

"Fresh meat, we hardly knew ya."

"Thermometer's frozen solid again."

"Yeah, clearing snow with a particle beam cannon sounds like a good idea, EXCEPT WHEN IT ALMOST VAPORIZES ME!!! LOOK WHERE YOU'RE AIMING! AND IF IT'S WHITE_OUT CONDITIONS, -DON'T- SHOOT BLINDLY!!!"

"Nice new fur coat you got there! When did you get it made? Oh, you DIDN'T have it made?"

"The soup just growled at me."

"That look only works if you're a baby seal."

[Kargan3033]

Things Likely to be Heard Around Ice Guard:

"Yep, still snowing."

"Yep, I'm still here."

"Damn, JUST missed spring!"

"Thaw me some coffee-substitute, willya?"

"I thought that newbie would last longer....that was, what? Fifteen seconds from disembarking to getting eaten already?"

"Fresh meat, we hardly knew ya."

"Thermometer's frozen solid again."

"Yeah, clearing snow with a particle beam cannon sounds like a good idea, EXCEPT WHEN IT ALMOST VAPORIZES ME!!! LOOK WHERE YOU'RE AIMING! AND IF IT'S WHITE_OUT CONDITIONS, -DON'T- SHOOT BLINDLY!!!"

"Nice new fur coat you got there! When did you get it made? Oh, you DIDN'T have it made?"

"The soup just growled at me."

"That look only works if you're a baby seal."

So sayth The Believer

[taalismn]

'HOw the HELL can we have blustery winds and inclement weather when it's cold enough that oxygen is a liquid out there?!"

"I hear 'we all scream for ice cream' one more time, I'm going to re-institute FLOGGING."

"HALL HOCKEY!!!!!"

"Those? Remains of the Lawn Gnome invasion of 2024. Creepy little bastards tried jumping on us from the roof, but they froze in mid-jump on the way down. Like hell we're thawing them out again."

[Kargan3033]

Those? Remains of the Lawn Gnome invasion of 2024. Creepy little bastards tried jumping on us from the roof, but they froze in mid-jump on the way down. Like hell we're thawing them out again."

Twitch: " Who's up for some Lawn Gnome skeet shooting?, they shatter so nicely when impacted by large cailber projectile weapons. "

[taalismn]

Those? Remains of the Lawn Gnome invasion of 2024. Creepy little bastards tried jumping on us from the roof, but they froze in mid-jump on the way down. Like hell we're thawing them out again."

Twitch: " Who's up for some Lawn Gnome skeet shooting?, they shatter so nicely when impacted by large cailber projectile weapons. "

"Saving mine for sinkers on my ice fishing lines."

[Kargan3033]

Those? Remains of the Lawn Gnome invasion of 2024. Creepy little bastards tried jumping on us from the roof, but they froze in mid-jump on the way down. Like hell we're thawing them out again."

Twitch: " Who's up for some Lawn Gnome skeet shooting?, they shatter so nicely when impacted by large cailber projectile weapons. "

"Saving mine for sinkers on my ice fishing lines."

Groove Shark bait?, that sounds intresting.

[taalismn]

[
Groove Shark bait?, that sounds intresting.

Nah, groove sharks are like bluefish; they'll strike at ANYTHING. You could bait your line with a car bumper or anvils and they'd still go for it

[Kargan3033]

[
Groove Shark bait?, that sounds intresting.

Nah, groove sharks are like bluefish; they'll strike at ANYTHING. You could bait your line with a car bumper or anvils and they'd still go for it

Good point so basicly you would use flash frozen lawn gnomes for Norca fishing right?

[taalismn]

[

Good point so basicly you would use flash frozen lawn gnomes for Norca fishing right?

That, and they're good for baiting the crab pots. Just make sure the metal mesh is extra-tough, and the trap's extra-heavy sprung. Better yet, impale them on the bait-stakes BEFORE they go in.

[Kargan3033]

[

Good point so basicly you would use flash frozen lawn gnomes for Norca fishing right?

That, and they're good for baiting the crab pots. Just make sure the metal mesh is extra-tough, and the trap's extra-heavy sprung. Better yet, impale them on the bait-stakes BEFORE they go in.

You make some very good points, as for me I like using unfrozen live bait for high speed drag fishing, those Norcas can be feisty unless you tire them out first.

[taalismn]

[

You make some very good points, as for me I like using unfrozen live bait for high speed drag fishing, those Norcas can be feisty unless you tire them out first.

Because you want a good head of steam behind you before they can start dragging you back.

[Kargan3033]

[

You make some very good points, as for me I like using unfrozen live bait for high speed drag fishing, those Norcas can be feisty unless you tire them out first.

Because you want a good head of steam behind you before they can start dragging you back.

That too, I find it much more fun to make the Norcas work for the bait, also to hear the terrfied screams of said bait as they see a Norca bearing down on them, also there is a long standing tradion umong The Ice Guard to see how long the bait will last before being snagged by the Norcas

[taalismn]

[

That too, I find it much more fun to make the Norcas work for the bait, also to hear the terrfied screams of said bait as they see a Norca bearing down on them, also there is a long standing tradion umong The Ice Guard to see how long the bait will last before being snagged by the Norcas

"No fair! He's waterskiing!"
"Hand me the birding rifle...NOT the Stinger Missile! The BIRDING ri...okay, the LITTLE birding rifle."

[Kargan3033]

[

That too, I find it much more fun to make the Norcas work for the bait, also to hear the terrfied screams of said bait as they see a Norca bearing down on them, also there is a long standing tradion umong The Ice Guard to see how long the bait will last before being snagged by the Norcas

"No fair! He's waterskiing!"
"Hand me the birding rifle...NOT the Stinger Missile! The BIRDING ri...okay, the LITTLE birding rifle."

And the lastest hit comady/horror movie from the MBS is " Fast Times At Ice Guard. "

[taalismn]

[
And the lastest hit comady/horror movie from the MBS is " Fast Times At Ice Guard. "

That's equally descriptive of the run for the restrooms after Alvarez's latest culinary surprise.

[SRoss]

Nothing like having the runs and you still have to dig out and thaw the latrines.

[taalismn]

Nothing like having the runs and you still have to dig out and thaw the latrines.

It's why Ice Guard is the home to the Thermite Latrine and the Vibro-Shovel.

[Kargan3033]

[
And the lastest hit comady/horror movie from the MBS is " Fast Times At Ice Guard. "

That's equally descriptive of the run for the restrooms after Alvarez's latest culinary surprise.

Which makes the saying " Up s**** creek without a paddel " a litteral truth.

[Kargan3033]

Nothing like having the runs and you still have to dig out and thaw the latrines.

It's why Ice Guard is the home to the Themite Latrine and the Vibro-Shovel.

Which would put them up s**** creek of the UEDF suply command ever cut their suplies of thermite and vibro shovels.

[taalismn]

[

Which would put them up s**** creek of the UEDF suply command ever cut their suplies of thermite and vibro shovels.

Ironically the answer to the thermite shortage would come in Alvarez's 'hot and spicy meatloaf'.
Of course, once Ice Guard figured out who to cheaply produce SLMH, that too was used to burn trash.
It also led Alvarez to discover, to his great surprise and the appreciation of his victims colleagues, that SLMH was NOT a proper substitute for deepfrying(apparently he'd read about pre-Rain 'techno-cookery' that used cryogens to' freeze' flavor into meat and figured that a combination of both extreme cold and sudden heat could result in SERIOUS goodness---he was partially right; the base ate VERY well while he was in the infirmary recovering from etensive burns).

[Kargan3033]

[

Which would put them up s**** creek of the UEDF suply command ever cut their suplies of thermite and vibro shovels.

Ironically the answer to the thermite shortage would come in Alvarez's 'hot and spicy meatloaf'.
Of course, once Ice Guard figured out who to cheaply produce SLMH, that too was used to burn trash.
It also led Alvarez to discover, to his great surprise and the appreciation of his victims colleagues, that SLMH was NOT a proper substitute for deepfrying(apparently he'd read about pre-Rain 'techno-cookery' that used cryogens to' freeze' flavor into meat and figured that a combination of both extreme cold and sudden heat could result in SERIOUS goodness---he was partially right; the base ate VERY well while he was in the infirmary recovering from etensive burns).

[SRoss]

Jones: "So who's cooking for us now?"

Vanich: "The 6[sup]th[/sup] Destroyer Division."

Jones: (Sipping coffee-like substance while observing the destruction) "Well it's still better then Alvarez's cooking."

[taalismn]

Jones: "So who's cooking for us now?"

Vanich: "The 6[sup]th[/sup] Destroyer Division."

Jones: (Sipping coffee-like substance while observing the destruction) "Well it's still better then Alvarez's cooking."

"Is that... a hint of cordite I taste?"
"Possibly. There's a touch of amitol in the dinner rolls."

[Kargan3033]

Jones: "So who's cooking for us now?"

Vanich: "The 6[sup]th[/sup] Destroyer Division."

Jones: (Sipping coffee-like substance while observing the destruction) "Well it's still better then Alvarez's cooking."

"Is that... a hint of cordite I taste?"
"Possibly. There's a touch of amitol in the dinner rolls."

Well it's better then the ususal napalm cooking that is the ususal fare at the Ice Guard's mess hall, which gives a whole new leaning to Tossed Salad.