RDF/UEDF Siberia Soruce Book Idea(parody)

[Chronicler]

"Yeah, the solid condensate that congeals at the bottom of his cup contains more potential energy than an equivalent mass of refined uranium reactor fuel slugs. That's BEFORE he adds cream and sugar..."

"Why are we not using this?"

"Last time we fueled a mech with this stuff it imploded on itself."

[taalismn]

"Yeah, the solid condensate that congeals at the bottom of his cup contains more potential energy than an equivalent mass of refined uranium reactor fuel slugs. That's BEFORE he adds cream and sugar..."

"Why are we not using this?"

"Last time we fueled a mech with this stuff it imploded on itself."

"Frame shook itself to pieces....then POOF, disintegrated. Plus the pilot couldn't sleep for a WEEK."

[Kargan3033]

"Yeah, the solid condensate that congeals at the bottom of his cup contains more potential energy than an equivalent mass of refined uranium reactor fuel slugs. That's BEFORE he adds cream and sugar..."

"Why are we not using this?"

"Last time we fueled a mech with this stuff it imploded on itself."

"Frame shook itself to pieces....then POOF, disintegrated. Plus the pilot couldn't sleep for a WEEK."

It could be concidered a prime compoent in an enhanced fuel/air explosive.

[taalismn]

[

It could be concidered a prime compoent in an enhanced fuel/air explosive.

They tried, but Major Jones drank the test sample.

[Kargan3033]

[

It could be concidered a prime compoent in an enhanced fuel/air explosive.

They tried, but Major Jones drank the test sample.

So that why he was *Hot* under the collar for a week and went streaking the groove sharks.

[taalismn]

...that, and they had to replace the fixtures in his office bathroom at least six times....

[Kargan3033]

...that, and they had to replace the fixtures in his office bathroom at least six times....

I bet that's one call the BSS utterly refused to answer, not that I can blame them.

[taalismn]

He was either wrenching the facets off his sink, or having fifty-caliber bowel movements....

[Kargan3033]

He was either wrenching the facets off his sink, or having fifty-caliber bowel movements....

Was that before or after Alverez's lastest exper....err I mean fine dinning experence?

[taalismn]

He was either wrenching the facets off his sink, or having fifty-caliber bowel movements....

Was that before or after Alverez's lastest exper....err I mean fine dinning experence?

Major Jones is, by this point, had any earlier criminal perversions propensities frozen, burned, fanged or stoned out of his character. He's also, like so many other Ice Guard members, developed a resistance to psychotropics through repeated exposure, and as such, can tell when he's having an 'episode' and take precautions accordingly(like dropping to the floor or putting in a mouthguard).

[SRoss]

No wonder the Mutants hate the IceGuard, they're using the sea as a septic tank.

Meanwhile ... Elsewhere in the ocean...

"Um, Captain Morgan! We just analyzed that gunk on the hull... I'm not sure you want to see the results..."

[Kargan3033]

He was either wrenching the facets off his sink, or having fifty-caliber bowel movements....

Was that before or after Alverez's lastest exper....err I mean fine dinning experence?

Major Jones is, by this point, had any earlier criminal perversions propensities frozen, burned, fanged or stoned out of his character. He's also, like so many other Ice Guard members, developed a resistance to psychotropics through repeated exposure, and as such, can tell when he's having an 'episode' and take precautions accordingly(like dropping to the floor or putting in a mouthguard).

That maybe so but this IS the Ice Guards remember were there is *Always* some new and horrfic insaity just waiting to mind f**** the Ice Guards in some new, reality bending way.

[taalismn]

"The man has apparently not yet exhausted all the horrid possibilities of meatloaf..."

[Kargan3033]

"The man has apparently not yet exhausted all the horrid possibilities of meatloaf..."

Time to call the Believer to say a few words over his corpse.

[taalismn]

"The man has apparently not yet exhausted all the horrid possibilities of meatloaf..."

Time to call the Believer to say a few words over his corpse.

"He may not have learned from past experience, but his death was a lesson to the rest of us... 'Avoid the purple-striated casserole surprise.'."

[Kargan3033]

"The man has apparently not yet exhausted all the horrid possibilities of meatloaf..."

Time to call the Believer to say a few words over his corpse.

"He may not have learned from past experience, but his death was a lesson to the rest of us... 'Avoid the purple-striated casserole surprise.'."

" Amen, dibs are his booze stash. "

[taalismn]

"About that...we think he hid it in the wolverine pens..."

[Kargan3033]

"About that...we think he hid it in the wolverine pens..."

" Drunk, rabid, starving wolverines?! "

[SRoss]

"About that...we think he hid it in the wolverine pens..."

" Drunk, rabid, starving wolverines?! "

At that moment, as if to emphasise a point, one of the wolverines turns to look at the humans and spits out a Grooveshark skull.

[Kargan3033]

"About that...we think he hid it in the wolverine pens..."

" Drunk, rabid, starving wolverines?! "

At that moment, as if to emphasise a point, one of the wolverines turns to look at the humans and spits out a Grooveshark skull.

*Meanwhile Dr.Smith was standing back in the shadows with a pleased as pie smile on his face.*

[taalismn]

"About that...we think he hid it in the wolverine pens..."

" Drunk, rabid, starving wolverines?! "

Worse...some of them mated with the giant mosquitos of several seasons back. They're six-legged, FLYING wolverines that can suck your blood faster than a gas-thief turbo-pumping stolen petroleum.

[Kargan3033]

"About that...we think he hid it in the wolverine pens..."

" Drunk, rabid, starving wolverines?! "

Worse...some of them mated with the giant mosquitos of several seasons back. They're six-legged, FLYING wolverines that can suck your blood faster than a gas-thief turbo-pumping stolen petroleum.

True but far worse then that is the wolverine Buu-Buu cross breeds that Smith had been working on as a alternet type of bio-weapon to unleash on the E.B.S.I.S. after the E.B.S.I.S. ruined one of his other wildlife experments by accident.

[taalismn]

They still haven't figured to what to call the wolverine-mosquito crossbreeds; they initially favored 'wolverito', bit too many people thought it sounded like a snack food.
Then somebody pointed out that some of the other arctic critters treated the wolverine-mosquito crossbreeds just like snack food.

[Kargan3033]

They still haven't figured to what to call the wolverine-mosquito crossbreeds; they initially favored 'wolverito', bit too many people thought it sounded like a snack food.
Then somebody pointed out that some of the other arctic critters treated the wolverine-mosquito crossbreeds just like snack food.

I guess they would just call the hybrid a Critter like all the other weird ass freaks that no one has come up with a name for.

[taalismn]

"It's a critter."
"No, it's a bugger."
"I thought we were calling them vermin?"
"That too. But primarily critter."
"BUGGER!"

[taalismn]

Because their season has come again....

Yet More Arctic Mutants Observed by Ice Guard

Boulderines---Pretty much outclassed by the other badass mutants, wolverines have been forced to get clever. The boulderine has acquired a set of armadillo-like armored plates covering its body, that have the appearance of varigated rock. Boulderines are ambush predators, learning to imitate rocks until prey gets within easy striking range, or larger predators have passed by, having ignored the smaller critter.

Octofox---Also known as ‘Kitsupuses’, these critters seem to be the unlikely fusion of arctic foxes and octopi. Octofoxes sport four tails and four tentacles in a fringe around their necks. They are by themselves quite harmless, but their ability to use their tentacles to pry open doors and containers means they can quickly become pests marauding supplies, or opening the way for other vermin to get into Ice Guard vehicles and structures.

Spark-Elk---Arctic caribou that have somehow sequestered enough metal in their antlers to become effective electrical conductors. There’s also a bit of electric eel in them; getting gored with their antlers also means taking a tazer-like electrical charge that they apparently build up rubbing their leg fur against each other. Spark-elk don’t lose their antlers either, so they’re dangerous year-round, despite the strain the added weight of the antlers puts on them. Spark-elk can also be seen from some distance away by the random electrical discharges between their legs and between their antlers. Large enough herds of them can also create static in radio frequencies.

[glitterboy2098]

and the less well known relative to the spark elk,the Spark-reindeer: http://40.media.tumblr.com/7ce4068f36af ... 1_1280.jpg


actually a domesticated reindeer with their antlers spray painted with a highly reflective paint. being done by herders in Finland to try and cut down on the number of traffic accidents involving the animals.

[Arnie100]

Ice Guard Soldier #1: "Eat your heart out, Rudolph."
Ice Guard.Soldier #2: "Woah...built-in headlights!"

[SRoss]

Toombs sat on the latrine and tried not to think about the meatloaf. Suddenly there was a sucking tearing sound and a slavering Octofox stood wear the door was...

Cmr. Toombs: "Could this get any worse?"

Six more joined it...

[Arnie100]

Toombs sat on the latrine and tried not to think about the meatloaf. Suddenly there was a sucking tearing sound and a slavering Octofox stood wear the door was...

Cmr. Toombs: "Could this get any worse?"

Six more joined it...

...Followed by an equal number of Boulderines...

Cmr. Toombs: "Oh, come ON!!"

[taalismn]

and the less well known relative to the spark elk,the Spark-reindeer: http://40.media.tumblr.com/7ce4068f36af ... 1_1280.jpg


actually a domesticated reindeer with their antlers spray painted with a highly reflective paint. being done by herders in Finland to try and cut down on the number of traffic accidents involving the animals.

####ZART####
"...aaaiiieeeeee....!!!!"
"That's what, the eighth elf to get electrocuted trying to put sleigh bells on those things?"
"Fools! Metal conducts electricity!"


Ice Guard considers the things pests for the radio interference they produce until they discover they make effective bug zappers and elf repellent.

[taalismn]

New Ice Guard Weapons:

*IGF-2 'Hotfoot' Flame-Thrower Rifle
Flame-throwers are not considered standard gear in the UEDF's arsenal, aside from the larger vehicular models(which all but disappeared off newer Destroid and Battloid mecha), and a few adhoc pieces of equipment employed by the UEDF Corps of Engineers for brush-clearance. Weaponized personal flame-throwers had little impact against Zentraedi mechanized infantry, and use against micronized troops was rare, compared to other techniques such as grenades or wholesale bombardment. Thus, Ice Guard was forced to improvise their own when it came to using thermal weaponry against the increasingly bad weather and aggressive wildlife. The IGF-2 is the refined man-portable rifle model of the first kludged-together types, and uses the frame of a M-25 ‘Wolverine’ assault rifle for its rear portion. The impressive 90 ft range and 12-shot capacity is thanks in part due to its exotic fuel; a napalm-like substance concocted of fermented and marinated seaweed and rendered norca tallow(rumors that it was first discovered as one of Mess Sgt. Alvarez's casseroles are said to be untrue), a sticky, hot-burning mixture that rivals thermite for BTUs. Use of the IGF-2 has caught on, and the weapon is considered part of the standard fireteam fit-out for vermin control teams. However, field certification is required of anybody wanting to use one, and users are only granted permission and the 'flaming ice-cube' patch of competency after extensive training and familiarization. This was enacted by Major Jones after a rash of accidents and fatal self-immolations of trigger-happy 'flame bait' newbies messing with the flame-throwers.


*'Puffer Rods'---These are simply ski-poles that, with a twist of a handle, or touch of a button, can extend a set of sharp spikes or barbs from their ends. This can be used to secure an anchorage in hardpacked snow or ice, but they are more frequently used when stabbing attacking mutant wildlife to lacerate entry wounds and turn a penetration wound into a more dangerous injury, ideally bleeding out the creature before it can kill the ski-pole's owner. OG mechanics supposedly got the idea from pufferfish; hence the name.

[Arnie100]

(A soldier picks up a new IGF-2 'Hotfoot' Flame-Thrower Rifle)

FWWWOOOOOMMMPPPPPHHHHH!!!
"TOOOOOOMMMMMBBBBSSS!!!!!"
Chief Toombs: "Oh, CRAP..." (Noticing the now flaming base commander's toupee)

[taalismn]

Toombs is banned from Ice Guard. They just won't have him...no way, no how. Major Jones intuitively knows(borne of a commonsense he abashedly admits he didn't have when he got involved with that admiral's brat) that much of what tanked Mauve Squadron was Toombs' fault. Toombs is one of the few people in IG history that just about EVERYBODY tries to kill(including TED's black boxed predecessor). And while Toombs is not the FIRST person to be exiled FROM Ice Guard(that dishonor goes to several miscreants that Jones couldn't legally justify handing the death penalty) it's still a sad statement to his record that the man was ordered OUT of the Glacier Gulag.

[taalismn]

"AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
"Okay, we're DEFINITELY not using that seaweed derivative as a heating element in the parkas."
"Maybe as an emergency against being swallowed alive?"
"While I'll admit a flaming parka would have a detrimental effect on any predator trying to eat the wearer, countermeasures should be not arguably AS lethal as the crisis they're meant to deter."

[Arnie100]

"WILL SOMEONE GET TOOMBS OFF MY BASE?!"

[taalismn]

*knock-knock*
"Who-YOU! YOU WERE TOLD TO STAY AWAY!"
Morlocks: "-we're here for Toombs."
"To take him away, I hope?"
"Yes."
"-with the blessings of this entire camp! Here you go, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Now forgive me for being brusque, but VAMOOSE!"
#SLAM#
"We didn't even get any hot cocoa."
"Can you blame them, after what we did here last time? Let's get going; I have no desire to get stuck here any longer than I have to."

[Arnie100]

Chief Toombs: "I'LL BE GOOD!! I SWEAR!!"
Base Commander: "OOUUUTTTT!!"
Morlock #1: "What're we gonna do with him?"
Morlock #2: "We could always dress him up as one of us and give him to that crazy human child; uhm, teenager, erm...whatever the heck she is...Annie and let her have some fun with him... "
Morlock #1:
Chief Toombs: "I'd rather date Minmei..."
Morlock #2: "That's an option."
Chief Toombs: "Dammit!"

[taalismn]

"Say what you will about our exile up here, the Northern Lights sure are beautiful."
"...that's not the aurora borealis; that's the garbage dump on fire."
"...this life is full of suck."

[taalismn]

‘Tollivarans’
“Last thing I expected to have deal with during any command I held was a dynastic war. Should have known better.”
---Major Alex Jones, on the ‘Stud Wars’

‘Tollivarans’ is the term coined by Doctor Flint Smith to describe the (many) offspring of Lieutenant Mike Tolliver, courtesy of the Gura-Invid Na-Queen Celsias, her dozen(or so) genetically-altered* handmaindens, and Naomi Akina-Tolliver(she managed to slip in a legal marriage permission-to-wed form into Major Jones’ morning paperwork). Between perilous duty shifts and trying to avoid collateral damage from the canoodling-time-fueled Stud Wars, Lt. Tolliver has thus far managed to conceive over a dozen offspring, making him arguably the largest single contributor to the New Generation of Ice Guard. Despite Doctor Flint’s repeated(and violently rebuffed) efforts to more closely study Tolliver’s offspring, the proud parents have refused to give him time or access to do more than a cursory examination, but even that has led to Dr. Smith filling several large files(and some readers who have managed to glance through them to almost fill their pants) on ‘the Tollivaran evolutionary hop-skip line’, implying that all the children are mutants to one degree or other.
Rumors of Tolliver’s progeny(as well as regular goings-on at ‘Casa Tolliver’/’Castle Celsius’, the geodesic igloo now occupying one corner of the township-sized Ice Guard base) have led to no small amount of ribald ribbing of the exilee who once walked in on a nude Lisa Hayes. The more unhinged of Ice Guard’s resident population fear(to varying degrees of paranoia) that the Tolllivarans are going to assimilate the world and take over the universe. Lt. Tolliver tries to take it all in stride, half-frightened-bewildered by the turn his life has taken, and half-glowing-proud of his kids(planned or otherwise). That’s when he isn’t busy hydrating himself(a thermos of hot cocoa or electrolyte solution is almost ever-present appendage to his face). He also tries to keep the activities that made him an inadvertant polygamist in the first place down to reasonable levels while fulfilling his duties as an officer of Ice Guard. However, when a Gura minion** pops up at his elbow, a woman in morphing bio-armor shows up to take him in tow, or a norca with a collar bounds up to grab him by the jacket-sleeves, he’s clearly given little choice in the matter.
The fact that he is a responsible ‘family man’ makes him even more attractive to other unattached females, which has caused fears of a re-ignition of the Stud Wars, if any other eligible women try to get in on the Tolliver bloodline production stream. Major Jones has wondered if he can’t legally impose a ‘consort limit’ or at least assign Lt. Tolliver mandatory ‘celibate time’(though some of Tolliver’s less-friendly rivals and enemies have suggested a more surgical approach) to give everybody some breathing space.
For their part, the ‘tollivarans’ are regarded as just (extra)ordinary kids, mingling and roaming with the other rugrats of Ice Guard.

*Courtesy of being force-fed a mixture of Flower of Life, mutant arctic flora, and Insanity Peppers raided from Mess Sgt. Alvarez’s stash.

**The two dozen or so Gura-subcaste members that Celsias lured over or somehow produced. Nobody knows how intelligent or perceptive they really are, but they frankly scare many of the 2nd Gen IceGuarders snotless. Some of the more grizzled IGers have started calling them by pet-names, like ‘Fido’, ‘Lassie’, or ‘Mittens’, but some people feel that’s just asking for trouble. Lt. Tolliver seems to understand them just fine, but some people say that because most of them are probably his kids.

[SRoss]

Chief Toombs: "I'LL BE GOOD!! I SWEAR!!"
Base Commander: "OOUUUTTTT!!"
Morlock #1: "What're we gonna do with him?"
Morlock #2: "We could always dress him up as one of us and give him to that crazy human child; uhm, teenager, erm...whatever the heck she is...Annie and let her have some fun with him... "
Morlock #1:
Chief Toombs: "I'd rather date Minmei..."
Morlock #2: "That's an option."
Chief Toombs: "Dammit!"

Morlock #3: "Wouldn't work. Minmei has standards, she'd sooner date one of the CHUDs then Toombs."

[taalismn]

Celsias: "He's not even good base protein for my hatchlings."

[Arnie100]

Chief Toombs: "What is this...'bash Toombs day'?"
The Fourth Wall Gang:

[SRoss]

Vearia and Annie: (Sitting in a blind watching the Tollivarans through binoculars) "Veeerry interesting..."

[Arnie100]

Vearia and Annie: (Sitting in a blind watching the Tollivarans through binoculars) "Veeerry interesting..."

Tollivaran #1: "I feel like somebody walked over my grave..."
Tollivaran #2: "I feel like a hunted animal."

[taalismn]

I'm indeterminate whether Gura-Princess/Na-Queen 'Celsias' is in fact the same one as first mentioned as an Ice Guard character...the idea that TWO Gura-Princesses might actually share space (as in the same thousand square miles) at IG is a little far-fetched, but on the other hand Major Jones' remark about 'dynastic wars' would add a whole new element to the social dynamic of Ice Guard, if two Gura-Princesses were vying for local supremacy without destroying Ice Guard in the process. And normal animal/barbarian dynamics go right out the door if the two princesses are actually toning down their conflict with each other because of the pressing need to fight against a common foe; the ORIGINAL Gura-Regis and/or Regent out to eliminate a rival hive presence in their vicinity(not to mention the threat posed by the mutant animals and Haydonites).
Plus having a visible Invid presence(let alone a small HIVE) growing out of the side of Ice Guard is going to give some of the residents(who have ESCAPED the Invid) the screaming meemies, even if the Gura wind up fighting the REGULAR Invid.
So Major Jones is understating it that the 'dynastic wars' are more than just Naomi and Celsias bashing each other for nookie-time. It could very well be several factions of Invid duking it out for dominance, with Ice Guard at ground zero.
In any event, Celsias is a mutant-beyond-primordial-Gura-throwback in that she's essentially an Invid Mystic Herbalist. Her alterations of the captive women she shows up with, into her coral-eyed 'handmaidens', would send Doctor Smith into ecstatic bliss to contemplate. She's getting pretty good at her chemical alchemy power-ups and mind-control of her circle of servants*, albeit in a divergent path from the Invid Regis.

Yeah, coral-eyed. The comment was made earlier in this thread about Arrakis Fremen meeting Ice Guard. Well, the Flower of Life addicts with their pink-eyed irises are essentially Robotech Fremen...next to the mutagen-altered old-style IG, of course.

*One of her 'mods' to her 'handmaidens' might be similar to my TEAL GUARDIAN bio-mod(adjusted in ration for the RT verse, if GMs like)(http://www.palladium-megaverse.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=93286&start=5050&view=print)---The person can basically insta-form a suit of bioarmor, and either winged, or wingless flight, similar to an Invid Mular Royal Guard---but you have to be a brainwashed Flower-addict linked to the Na-Queen to benefit from this.

[SRoss]

Naomi: (Saddling her Norca, and grabbing her spear) "Sounds like it's time for me to open a can of whoup ass on Celsias..."

[taalismn]

Vearia and Annie: (Sitting in a blind watching the Tollivarans through binoculars) "Veeerry interesting..."

Then the cloud of TK'ed snowballs descends on their observation post...

[Arnie100]

Vearia and Annie: (Sitting in a blind watching the Tollivarans through binoculars) "Veeerry interesting..."

Then the cloud of TK'ed snowballs descends on their observation post...

Annie: "They wanna snowball fight?! BRING IT ON!!" (Rolling out her protoculture-powered snowball maker and launcher)

[taalismn]

Vearia and Annie: (Sitting in a blind watching the Tollivarans through binoculars) "Veeerry interesting..."

Then the cloud of TK'ed snowballs descends on their observation post...

Annie: "They wanna snowball fight?! BRING IT ON!!" (Rolling out her protoculture-powered snowball maker and launcher)

That's when they trundle the re-mounted train snow removal device out of the Ice Guard motorpool shed...