Breanna's Tale

You are on your own. The Army is MIA and our government is gone! There are no communications of any kind. Cities and towns have gone dark, and zombies fill the streets. The dead have risen and it would seem to be the end of the world. Help me, Mommy!

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Silveressa
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Re: Breanna's Tale

Unread post by Silveressa »

An interesting beginning I'm looking forward to seeing more, although may I suggest you split this up into paragraphs for easier reading? The solid wall of text is hard on the eyes and keeping ones place in while reading.
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Severus Snape
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Re: Breanna's Tale

Unread post by Severus Snape »

[constructive criticism]
Sorry, but I can't read this. I want to, but your grammar is just too much for me to take. If you could clean this up a bit - maybe run it through MS Word's grammar checker - and repost, then maybe I can read it. It looks interesting, but I can't make heads or tails out of what is going on. An example:

arsonblaide wrote:Once we got to our parents house we headed inside Jay watched the Ambulance me and Jacob went into the house and Prissila stayed with Jay.Just inside the door was a bloody 45 dads I think I grabbed it up looking at it worried for dad and mom.Then all Hell broke loose as Dad came shambleing out at us I shot him it didn't seem to have much effect, ok I'll admit it I hesitated shooting him the first time was instint shooting him a second time I couldn't do it he made it to me and we were locked in combat Jacon grabbed the gun shooting dad to finish him off.Then Mom walked out and was on me in a heartbeat why me I don't know maybe I was closer maybe it was dads blood on me all I know is jacob hit her with a chair and it had no effect then he got the angle he wanted or some thing and manged to stop her with a shot to the head .

There's only 4 periods in that whole paragraph, and after reading it several times I see that there should be quite a few more. I don't know what your writing style normally is, but this isn't very readable.[/constructive criticism]

EDIT: I originally had 3 periods in the whole paragraph, but I now see 4. See? It's hard to read.
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Severus Snape
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Re: Breanna's Tale

Unread post by Severus Snape »

arsonblaide wrote:have tried to fixthings sorry its's been a long time since I was ib school and doing this type of writeing my old englishn teacher would be geting medevil on me right now eathor that or she's spinning in her grave

Even your response to my stating that your posts are hard to read is....hard to read. Grammar, dude.


"I have tried to fix things; sorry, but it's been a long time since I was in school and doing this type of writing. My old english teacher would be getting medieval on me right now. Either that or she's spinning in her grave."

Not mention I corrected your spelling as well. Just saying.
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King Newt
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Re: Breanna's Tale

Unread post by King Newt »

Come on Arson, continue this. Just proof read the story. You don't honestly believe that I don't proof read my stories a few times. Even then some of my stories are tough to read. It seems to make since when i post it then I go back and wonder what the hell I was thinking.

Give it another shot!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Illendaver
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Re: Breanna's Tale

Unread post by Illendaver »

King Newt wrote:Come on Arson, continue this.
Give it another shot!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELL YEAH!! I have been reading King Newt's story for about two or three months now. I want to see whats been going on now! Jacob and Brianna have gotten split up for quite a few gaming sessions I would guess, What has she been doing to try to find Jacob? Has she given up on him? Did she make it to Tampa? (Is it zombie hell and she is trapped somewhere hoping that Jacob is hurrying to find her? Does that pistol look like a better option everyday? Better hurry Jacob...)
Also, I liked the start of your story over Newts. Heck, I could understand it just fine. If you want you could send me the story and I will proof-read it for you so that people don't complain about grammer anymore (I have no job and two kids at home... I need something to do... Please?) PM me if interested.
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Me: So, what all happened last time we played?
Friend: We went back to my place and got ROFL stomped by zombies.
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